i thought i was cried out with the whole vaccination experience yesterday, but no...

*sigh* :(

i know you say not to, but i DO feel terrible most days for talking about cael's walking and running, his size (tho i worry about his weight, its nothing on what you are going thru...), etc. i brag about how smart he is, but frances is brilliant of course, so that's no problem. ;)

for some reason i've worried this entire pgcy. i'm not big at all...haven't gained much weight, small belly. i have just over 10 weeks to go (eek) and look like i'm a month behind what i should be. imo anyway. i've been having contractions almost daily. he measured small at the u/s. so my worries go something like "what if this baby comes early?" and "what if he's small?". if he's smaller than cael was (who was pretty big if you recall...), he'll seem so tiny to me. but when i hear stories about premature babies, and look at frances and how wonderful she is despite her early arrival and constant size monitoring, i worry less. if this kid wants to comes early, there's not much i can do. just get used to lots of pumping in the beginning i guess...

now, i'm lucky in that i haven't had the constant monitoring. that would drive me loopy. the way you have and are handling everything that's been thrown at you has truly inspired me. there is so much we can't control when it comes to our children, whether it be timing (ahem...case in point) or possible genetic issues. i mean, i'm adopted. i have no clue what i could be passing on to my kids. all i can hope is that there isn't a history of cancer or heart disease or whatever else. particularly heart disease since it runs in jon's family...don't want a double chance of our boys developing heart issues at a young age.

it makes me sad when you talk about other baby's "normalcy". and it makes me sad that frances will never be seen as normal by others, as wonderful as people who know her see her.

this was all over the place...sorry about that. i'm not as organized in my writing as you. or most people for that matter. :P

I have read and re-read this, hoping for some fountain of inspiration to spring forth, to no avail. All I can say is that "normal" is such a relative fucking term. When I look around and see some of the people who have had "normal" pregnancies and infancies with their children, and they take their children so for granted, complaining about them non-stop; never delighting in their first word or tooth or the way they scrunch their noses or make their fists, I could scream! Don't be jealous. You are SO LUCKY to be so fascinated and charmed by your little girl. You love her to bits, and you mean it. I'm sure the easier pregnancy looks so sweet from where you sit, but I promise you, the deep, deep love you have for Frances is so rare and important. The rest of the world should be jealous of you. I know a lot of wonderful mothers-hell, I'm related to a ton of them, and I try to be a wonderful mother myself. I can tell you that the MOST IMPORTANT common thread is that kind of love. Please don't envy anyone else. Your family is one in a million.

Nothing to add here. Tanya pretty much said it all. Just want to send {{{{HUGS}}}} to you.

Well, my motherhood experience is "normal" and my kids are "normal" but... Carried in infant car seats and carriers until two or older? Check. Take years to grow out of their clothes? Check. (Literally, LG has been wearing the same pajamas for two and a half years.) Get strange looks from their peers and the parents of those peers when they try to correlate size to age? Check. Children inexplicably unwilling or unable to hit certain developmental markers at the same time as their peers? Check.

It ain't easy, even when they're "normal." The diabetic pregnancy issues and the genetic syndrome concern aren't within my realm of experience, but sometimes Italy looks suspiciously like Holland, even so. "Stress-free" and "motherhood" are mutually exclusive terms, no matter where you find yourself.

But it's ok to struggle with accepting wherever you are.

You are a very special mom, for a very special girl. Part of me is very sorry for what you have to go through as "normal" and most of me is very happy that your souls collided into making a loving and nurturing family. Wherever the journey takes you, know that you are doing the best you can. Thank you for having the courage to share--all of it.

Oh, I hear you. You said it, you said it all. I'm grieving the same things.

When I thought I might be pregnant, I was so excited, but I realized that even if I somehow had managed to become pregnant without in vitro, sperm donors, etc. I would still need to have the amnio, and find out if the baby has CF too or not. And the waiting, to see how much it would affect him or her, if the baby had it . . . it's enough to make my fingers blue and my lips numb.

And wonder if I carry some stronger mutation of it that will make his or her life much less . . . just less, than his or her Daddy's. Casey manages, on a daily basis, just fine. But would our child?

I want to have Italy too. And I have no words of wisdom about how to get used to the idea that we won't. I've known for a year already.

But I'm so sorry that you have to cope with this, too. Thank you for writing about it.

p.s. can I link to this entry from my LJ?

I completely sympathize. One of my children was born with an extremely rare congenital syndrome. That first 1.5 years were wonderful but so, so hard. It was grindling exhausting not knowing what to expect and just getting through all the tests, surgeries, appointments, etc.

After a lot of thought we did roll the dice again, and I had a very heavily monitored pregnancy - and even then, many of the congenital issues just were not testable. We just didn't know what would happen, but we prepared for everything. We had a 50/50 chance of another child with the same syndrome.

It is such a complicated issue although it seems simple - outsiders wonder why we invited "disaster" again, but from inside, looking at my child - there's no disaster, only a different, beautiful child. The congenital problems didn't negate the value of our child - different was still good. Being different wasn't easy, but it was still valuable and beautiful and sometimes even a lot of fun.

Nobody can tell you what to do because they don't live inside your life. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in Holland, and that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

First and foremost, IT WORKED! I got Tanya. Now on to replies--ahem.

Tanya, hon, even if your baby does come early--and even if he is small--the chances of your baby being as small as mine are minute. Like 1/6000. This is one of the things I worry about sometime when I talk about this experience, that people will think this is somehow representative or something. IT's not. I can't stress enough how extremely unlikely this is to happen to anyone else that I know.

I've often wondered about the adoption angle. I guess that's the downside to an old-fashioned closed adoption. But you are incredibly healthy (as well as a looker and a smartie) adn those are the genes I would worry about--I mean, look at Cael! He's been sick what, once? Twice?

Thanks, YT. *sniff* Goddammit, I'm supposed to be making you cry, not the other way around. How do you do that?

Oh Phantom, I know--and that's one of the things I tell myself, too. That even if she had been "normal" a thousand other things could have gone wrong that would have been just as hard or harder. That being "normal" doesn't mean that it's easy--or I think I would have had a very difficult time talking to some friends of mine who did have normal pregnancies and births and still struggled terribly after the baby came home. But it's just like an extra set of worries and concerns underlay our lives together and I can't shake them off. I mean, I was glad to find out that Frances didn't need skull surgery, but it would have been better if the entire experience of finding out that she might had never happened to begin with.

As I usually say to Erik after one of our appointments--I love Frances the way she is and I don't care if she's small, but if she had been born with a little certificate in her fist that read "I'm small but I'm fine, please don't worry" or "I'm small because I have xyz syndrome," that would have made things so much easier.

Abbey: Of course! Link to anything--no request needed.

Momness--exactly! She's not a disaster. She is beautiful and unique. But it doesn't stop me from having wanted "next time" to be easier.

And by the way, welcome to both you and Running2Ks.