« 101 Things About Me | Main | In Which I Remember Why Other People's Parenting Practices are None of My God-Damned Business » |
|
|
July 1, 2005 Helpful Hints to the Parents of the Averagely Sized 
There you are, shopping in your local grocery store. Your toddler, a respectable thirty pounds, is doing his best to escape from the cart. Your preschooler is reaching items on the third or fourth shelf with ease and constantly pestering you for sugar cereals and cookie boxes with cartoon characters on the front. Just down the aisle, you see a young woman with a baby in her cart, or a woman with a small toddler walking beside her. You smile and remember the days when your kids were so small. "Hi," you say. "Awwww--aren't you cute?" This last to the baby. The other woman smiles. "S/he's adorable. How old is s/he?" The mother of the baby answers "18 months." The mother of the toddler answers "six years old." You gasp, whether audibly or not. Not infant, then; not toddler. You were way off. What do you say now? 1. Wow! Was s/he a preemie? 2. Oh my goodness! S/he's TINY. 3. What's wrong with him/her? 4. Oh! (accompanied by shocked look) 5. [wise nod] Oh yes, I know all about that. My eldest was only the 25th percentile, you know. 6. I had a niece who looked like that when she was born. But now she is the prettiest little girl I know. Don't worry; she'll be perfect in a year or two. 7. Have you taken her to the doctor? 8. Maybe you should switch to formula. 9. You should definitely NOT switch to formula. That will only slow the growth down more. 10. He needs more sleep. Babies only grow when they're sleeping, you know. 11. I bet a bit of peanut butter and whole milk would fatten him right up. 12. [scurrying away with evil looks cast back over your shoulder--clearly she is starving the baby to death. You should call the CAS as soon as you get home!] Oh wise internet; what is the correct answer? 13. None of the above. If you ever find yourself in this situation, Dear Reader, please consider smiling; say "S/he's beautiful. What a sweetheart! It was nice to meet you." Then go on with your day. That mother knows exactly how small her baby is. I am willing to bet you she can tell you the weight of her child at every doctor's appointment since birth. She has probably weighed him on the scales at home at some points every day, just hoping to see the number go up. She has probably tried carefully measuring him with an old tape measure, a pencil and an old baby blanket on a regular basis. If she is anything like me, she celebrates every time her child outgrows another clothing size. The day when the carseat is turned around is a momentous ocassion, one that is celebrated with a dinner out and a big page in the scrapbook. There is a special terror when your baby falls off the charts and keeps falling--a fear borne of no longer having a guide to reassure you that their health is good and things are happening as they should. Even if those charts are poor guides, even if your baby hasn't been following a curve, you don't know how much it means to have one there until it's gone. She doesn't need you to frighten her any more. It has nothing in common with your baby or someone else's baby being low on the charts, as worrisome as I'm sure that is. If her baby or child is very small, she has probably seen more different kinds of doctors than you are even aware existed. She has tried every kind of fattening food there is--butter, cream, cheese, avocado, whole milk. My little girl is 18 months old and I have yet to give her plain water to drink. It has no calories. She is already aware of how different her child is--in large part because helpful strangers keeping pointing it out with such pearls of wisdom as, "Oh my! S/he IS small!" And that's when the helpful strangers are kind and decent people. Other kinds of helpful strangers are prone to asking, "What's wrong with her?" She is already afraid of how her child's life will be, of how people will treat them, of whether or not her child will be accepted. Loved. She does not need you to add to these fears. If you want to make her day and spread a little sunshine, smile and tell her that her child is beautiful and perfect. Then leave her be. Posted by Andrea at July 1, 2005 7:19 PM under Being Small EMAIL this entry (comments fields are below this section) Comments Can I print out 20 copies of this and hand it out to passerby? Posted by: Phantom Scribbler at July 1, 2005 8:18 PM
Ugh, thank you for posting this. I'd have been the moron saying number 2--albeit I'd have followed it with "She is so adorable", but I will be sure to skip the "She's so tiny comment" I would have blurted out first. I'll go right to the cutie part. Thank you immensely! Posted by: Running2Ks at July 1, 2005 9:22 PM
Hmmmm...Good to know. I've never made any of those mistakes, but I easily could've. Thanks for the heads up. Posted by: Kateri at July 1, 2005 9:28 PM
Hey Andrea Posted by: rachel at July 1, 2005 9:50 PM
PS--Yes. In fact, don't feel that you have to stop at 20. R2K--it's not moronic. It's very understandable. It can just be a bit much when you hear it all the time. Posted by: Andrea at July 2, 2005 6:58 AM
This is why I never guess a baby's age anymore. It's kind of like asking a woman who hasn't told you she's pregnant when she's due. Posted by: liz at July 2, 2005 12:18 PM
Liz, I am so surprised that there are actually female people out there who still do that! I was getting a haircut long after my second was born, and the lady asked when I was due. I said, "6 months ago", and she still didn't shut up about it. Andrea, your daughter is beautiful and wonderful and special, and now I know I won't be an idiot if I ever meet you :) Posted by: Running2Ks at July 2, 2005 12:30 PM
Wow - people can be amazingly insensitive. Do print out copies of this to hand out to them. Oh, and ask them what it felt like when they were hit over the head with the Dumb Stick. Posted by: Jen at July 2, 2005 6:36 PM
Yes Frances is very beautiful girl. and thank you, I wouldn't ever want to hurt someone's feelings. I know what that is like. I am sorry you have to endure those strangers. I don't know what the child is like, but I was pregnant with twins, and strangers felt it was thier duty to rub my stomach for me, and expect me to converse with them, while my girls did tap dances on my bladder. It was all I could do most days just to get away with out saying anything. Other days, like in the Mall. I would down right shout at them for having the audacity to touch my stomach. ***HUGGLES*** Twins Mom Posted by: Twins Mom at July 5, 2005 8:42 AM
Great list. I'm wondering whether you get a perverse pleasure out of watching people's jaws drop when the "toddler" talks in complete grammatical sentences. D isn't off the charts small, but he's short, and so people often guess he's younger than he is, and so think he's terribly advanced for his age. Posted by: Elizabeth at July 5, 2005 9:15 AM
From another mother who has ridden the growth chart wave, I have to commend you on your sage advice. Thank you for writing a post that may enlighten people who had never even considered the impact their casual words might have on those around them...especially since they are (almost) always made with good intentions. Interestingly enough, even though my daughter has Down syndrome, her chromosomal difference never comes up in casual conversation with strangers. I'm not sure if it's because they haven't noticed that she has Ds, they don't care, or if they have decided it is inappropriate to discuss it. However, many, many strangers comment on her petite size. Thankfully I have yet to receive any advice on how to enlarge her - it is usually more of the "she's so tiny; she's like a little doll!" variety. As I'm not too fond of unsolicited advice and I have a knack for unwelcome honesty, it's probably for the best. Maybe you should just tell them Frances is 23. Posted by: EmilyElizabeth at July 29, 2005 1:00 PM
Andrea, Thanks to Bruce, I was able to find this. And I SO agree with Phantom about printing out copies! You really hit it on the head, without beating it to death, as I probably would have. LOL. Very well put! ~Kevin (from POLP -- Dad to Taylor 7, CDP) Posted by: Kevin at July 30, 2005 4:36 PM
Right on!! I'm going to put a pile of printouts where I work. Posted by: Emily at July 31, 2005 12:09 PM
Hi, I just found your blog through a friend. First, your daughter is so beautiful! What a cutie. I understand your comments about people saying stuff about her size and what you could do, should do, what did you do. My daughter was born with her right ear missing. When we go out to the mall I see people stare and say stuff. Some say it directly to me, others to whoever they are with. Yes I know her ear is not there, it did not just fall off in the toy department! And yes we will get it fixed when it is the right time! I too worry that if adults can't keep their comments to themselves how will kids treat her when she gets into school? P.S. Where did you get her little chair from? The one with the fur? Amber Posted by: Amber at November 8, 2005 1:45 PM
Hi, you have a great site! I am supposed to be working (I'm a journalist) but keep reading this instead! Posted by: leah at May 24, 2006 8:14 AM
http://www.ringtones-dir.com/get/ ringtones site. ringtones site free, ringtones site, Free nokia ringtones here. From website . Posted by: ringtones free at June 30, 2006 4:14 PM
Thank you for this generous post. I am raising a toddler and I am sure that these issues will come up all too soon and after reading your post I feel a little more equipped. Thanks so much. Posted by: sara at February 11, 2007 6:22 PM
Good site. Thank you! Posted by: mx 600 learning remote at February 15, 2007 12:39 PM
Go Berserk |
Change is God (Octavia Butler, Parable Series) "Distance negates responsibility." Guy Davenport Email Frances! frances AT athenadreaming DOT org You can email her mother too (that's me):
The Best of Beanie Baby
Recent Entries
Categories Monthly Archives Annika Info
Earn Your Karmic Brownie Points The WHOYCBE Not So Secret Spoilers These links open in a new browser window. Random Writer's Quote Many of the productive writers I know believe they are simultaneously shit and undiscovered geniuses. Brilliant shit. This belief is in itself anxiety-producing. -Heather Sellers
My Burgeoning Media Empire (that's a joke)
Dwarfism Resources: Frances's Big List of Misdiagnoses and False Positives Prenatally:
Postnatally:
Blogs I'm Reading
Other Mom Sites: Green Family Library
The title of this blog was taken from the short story "The Language of Nna Mmoy" by Ursula le Guin in her collection, Changing Planes. I won't tell you why or how, because I want you to read the story and figure it out for yourself.
|
