What a nice piece of yourself. I wonder how does that translate into blogging. Are there people who leave comments and you don't like them? (I know you "like" me, or you wouldn't leave comments on my blog if you didn't. Right?)
It's wonderful to see Frances make friends. Even though she has physical differences many of the girls are embracing her. Perhaps our world is moving in a better directing for kids like ours. I remember my first day of Kindergarten. We were told to sit on the floor. When I sat down all the kids moved away from me.

Trust me, I am not any better at this online than I am in real life. If I don't like you, you'll know.

Unfortunately I don't have the time to visit everyone who visits here and leave a comment every day, but everyone who's ever commented here and who I don't feel friendly towards unambiguously knows it. I'm not subtle. That's part of the problem.

I totally appreciate your to-the-the-point approach! Just say it like it is! But sometimes I beat myself up b/c my face shows absolutely everything. Does it have to give everything away? Must my facial expression proclaim ALL to everyone? This can be quite a pain in the butt!

Nice piece. You know, one of my biggest fears is that my daughter will turn out to be one of those mean girls.

Which is funny. I never worry if my son will turn out to be a bully.

By the way, on IE 6 on XP your font is really really tiny.

I know, I was messing around w/ the stylesheet to fix some accessibility issues, and for a while all hte font sizes changed. It should be back to normal now. If it's not, let me know.

This resonated with me, without a doubt. I was always the tomboying little girl and famously told my Mom at a young age, "Mom, I don't like girls. You can't trust them." - for all of the reasons you described above. Thankfully, since then I've met other like-minded women who have been the greatest friends because they just tell it straight. I think it's refreshing. But I can relate to you when you say it sometimes gets you into trouble.

I've been thinking about this topic lately too, becuase I had that weird experience where I felt snubbed by the Moms at the preschool where LittleBoy goes. I think I do get the normal patterns of interaction, but have been pretty insulated from them because my two or three closest female friends have been my friends since I was six, twelve, and fourteen, respectively.

On the other hand, I certainly have had a friend or two that suddenly changed her mind about liking me, and it did hurt. I tend to avoid women who talk often about not trusting or liking other women, because I can tell that they are going to carry that attitude into our friendship, and it makes me nervous.

This whole topic makes me so nervous--and for just why you said, Abbey. Because it's not that I distrust women.

There is just that weird cultural vibe of "I have to pretend to like you even though I despise you and am fantasizing about sticking pins in your eyes because otherwise I will not be Nice, and I don't want people to think I'm a bitch."

And it's not so much about trusting women (though there are individual women I don't trust) as suddenly feeling as if the conversation has switched into Dutch, and I don't know what anyone is saying anymore.

I often have to be nice to people I can't stand (the step-monster, for one) and I don't really like it, but I do it because it would cause more hassle than I really want to deal with otherwise.

I find people in general to be pretty disappointing. Most of them don't keep their word, many of them will stab you in the back just as soon as look at you and they quite frequently don't take anyone else into consideration. It's frustrating and sad and makes me wonder why I even bother making an effort with anyone some days.

But I do. I'm trying to raise my kids to think of other people in addition to (not instead of) themselves when they make decisions. It's what I do and I'm hoping it will rub off.

I wish I could be more like you, but I'm a bit of a wimp and don't think I could be that forthright.

Nothing pithy or insightful to add about the "girl dynamic." However, had to comment on your comment "I was messing around w/ the stylesheet to fix some accessibility issues."

Wahoo!!! I'm not the only wing-nut out here!!

I wish more people were as direct and honest as you are Andrea. The world would be a much less complicated place.

I struggle with the girl group dynamics also. I have always found myself on the fringes of women's groups and I am not entirely sure why. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with my own "what you see is what you get" approach to relationships. The result is that my closest female friends are people much like myself, who expect honesty and candor in all of their relationships.

I find it is really great to have at least one friend who will say to you "Ok. That outfit is hideous." :)

Sue, I'm not sure of that. It would probably be equally complicated, but in different ways.

Miche, wait until Thursday. :)

Julia, I hear you.

Nothing caused me more anxiety when the kids were little than the possibility of them being targets for mean girls. It happened rarely, and they were able to brush it off, but I tell you it made the mama lion in me awaken.
She'll do fine. She's exceptional. People will love her!

Yes Andrea, I guess it would still be complicated, wouldn't it? I think I just find game-playing too tiring. In my work, I'm immersed in a culture of terminal "niceness" that has become so entrenched in all that we do, it doesn't mean anything anymore.

I've got nothing against being nice, except when it becomes theatre, and I've seen enough of that in the political circles of my job to last a life time.

So that's where I was coming from, and that is why I value people who can be "real" about where they stand and who they are.

I tend to be a pretty open book, but I've had "friends" like those two-faced people you describe. People who tell you on thing to your face, and then are talking trash about you behind your back. I had a "friend" in high school who *I* thought was my best friend. Turned out that she was calling me "Hog" behind my back to everyone who would listen. I still see her occasionally, and it really chaps my ass to be polite to her.

I appreciate your forthrightness. I wish more people did what they said they would, and meant what they said. All that deception is so soul-crushing. Blech.

The "typical patterns of social interaction" are bullshit. I think I saw myself in each bit of point #1. My mom was no-nonsense, didn't lie, wasn't funny, and didn't talk about people behind their backs. She didn't like for us to whisper.

I usually had one best friend (in middle school, I had two), and none or a few other friends or acquaintances. In sixth grade, I had a group, but otherwise, it's mostly one-on-one. Except now, when I have no friends. I have never been sure how anyone felt about me. I would have been sure about my last friend, but I haven't heard from her in 3+ years. I think I've been trying to have the right kind of friendships with the wrong people. If the alternative is to learn to be phony, I'd rather be alone.

I so totally hear you about not understanding the "typical patterns".

I hate backstabbers and will have nothing to do with them. You have something to say to me? Say it to my face!

Andrea, it sure is a sensitive topic. Just to clarify - I'm not saying that I read your post as meaning that YOU don't trust women as a whole. I know that you are too smart and analytical to lump any huge category of people together like that and write them off.

I think it's hard because it's as if we are expected to either love all women and expect a universal sisterhood or hate all women and assume they are catty and backstabbing, when in reality it really depends on each individual and what they are like.

But the unwritten social rules around competition and friendships between women definitely make it harder to be direct and honest without offending anyone, which I think is really unfortunate. It seems like you have to build trust before being able to honestly communicate, when logically, it should be the other way around: building trust by communicating directly in the first place.

I just wanted to say that I loved this post. Every word of it.

Hmm, this is interesting to read, because I never really encountered all of this until I moved to Spain, (actually, once when I was living in Costa Rica, too) so I tend to interpret it as a culture-specific phenomenon. I still think the whole dynamic of friendship is very different here from what I knew in the States, but obviously there too it can be bad.

I think I am unusual because my reference for women's friendships has been the friendships my mother developed with a few other women (starting in the CR, sisterhood seventies), which have never been anything but totally supportive, authentic, etc. I always assumed that I too would eventually find my posse, but so far it hasn't worked out like that. Not that I've had really negative experiences, but it just seems harder to connect these days.

Anyway, from what I've seen of you through this blog, I would say that if the time ever comes that Frances has Mean Girls issues to deal with, I'm sure that you will handle it beautifully. And I think your up-frontness is a good quality in a role model for young women. Rock on!