Andrea, you are the bomb! Fabulous post.

Loved this.

Very convincing, Andrea. At first, I was wondering how you managed to overhear these conversations!

I like how you bring these things to our conscious thought and help us to re-examine things.

That's not fiction! That's real life! I live that! Cover up the sad with glad. It works 99% of the time but if I let that one percent take over it would kill me.

One of my mom's friends lost her teenage daughter to a drunk driver several years ago, and she still spends most of every day on the verge of tears about it - all it takes is a single remark like "God is in control" or "Everything is part of God's plan" and she'll leave the room in tears.

And there are those who judge her for that, who claim that she ought to be over it by now, that she owes it to her other children to pull herself together.

All I can say to that, really, is may none of us ever have to walk a mile in those shoes.

There is no time limit imposed on the commandment to "Laugh with those who laugh, and weep with those who weep." Both parts can be hard to do - and we're not off the hook because somebody's weeping for too hard or too long.

In the interests of equal-opportunity non-judging, I'll add an exception: sometimes one's impatience with negativity arises because (as you suggest in the above dialogues) the impatient one is relying heavily on positivity as a coping mechanism. That doesn't licence the positive coper to judge the negative coper, but it may warrant a recognition that neither person will be helped much with their shared problem by being exposed to the other.

All too often, unfortunately, that's what happens to marriages when a couple experiences a shared tragedy. There may be some cases where one person is clearly mired in a destructive and unhealthy response, but I suspect that the attempt to hash out exactly who is wrong may be as destructive as the coping mechanisms themselves.

Chris, thank you.

B&P, I have a cousin who died when she was five. At her funeral, an elderly man approached my aunt and said, "What are you crying for? You still have two beautiful children!"

At her funeral. He was old and he's probably dead by now but I still can't forgive him for that comment.

And hey, look at that! I've been interpreted correctly. Phew. Yes, you're right; there's nothing wrong with responding to things positively, I think it's admirable; I just don't think anyone should be expected to respond that way.

Oh, and I meant to say: APL! Considering how exhausted you are lately, I'm so impressed that you commented.

This is so true Andrea. Recently, I've been writing about chronic pain and chronic illness, and how we are socialized to believe that the most stoic attitude means that a person is "doing well."

We really don't cope well with the pain of other people. I see it as a spiritual issue. If we name and recognize that someone else is hurting, we might have to admit that something within us (emotionally, spiritually, physically) is wounded also.

I realize that hardly explains the attitude you portray so beautifully here, but I think it's a part of it.

Bubandpie - I hate, hate, hate....all that "God's will" crap too. If it's God's will for children to die, then that's not the God I want anything to do with. Andrea - your relative said a very insensitive thing - at a funeral no less. How awful!

Re: Sue's comment on the social pressure to be stoic - Our culture can be bad that way, but the Victorians were absolutely pathological about it. They didn't even pretend it was for the sake of the grieving person, either - I can't count the number of novels I've read that exhort the grieving to appear cheerful ALL THE TIME for the sake of the ordinary, non-grieving people around them.

These conversations really only have one character each, right? They take place within one person's head--the battle between the knee-jerk response and the reasoned, sensible, willing-to-see-the-other side response. :)

Re: Victoriana. I think that the old tradition of wearing mourning, black for a year, then muted colors for another year, was a good one in that it allowed others to see that you might not be in a chipper mood right at that moment.

However, since everyone's wearing black these days, I guess it wouldn't really work.

Oh!! I forgot to say that I LOVE this post.

Andrea,
Did you happen to overhear these 2 people talking about me??? LOL!! Some days I feel like such a downer. I think aloud to other people about the next steps that I need to take to advocate for my child. People are always nice to my face, but I always wonder..... I would LOVE to be positive all of the time, but sometimes what life hands us is so off the course of what we expected. We do learn to deal....but WOW!!

Thanks for this post...it was GREAT!

Andrea, I love this post. It nicely sums up everything I hate about being told to "just cheer up" when I am not cheerful — and the reasons I hate hearing others being told that, just as much.

PK--good call. I hadn't meant it that way, but you're absolutely right, it could be.

Liz--yeah, no kidding. Black-as-mourning was such a useful custom.

I loved this post.

awesome, awesome post.

Love this...great post.

And convo #2 sounds vaguely familiar...