I grew up in a third world country were people with all types of disabilities were seen begging on the streets, especially children missing limbs or with a visible illness. This really affected me as a young child because I could not understand it and so I started to not look at people. It has taken me a long time to work through this, what has helped me a great deal is having a better understanding of the situation. Personally I don't find difference shameful, I used to find it scary and painfull. Now difference is just that different.

For three months after the birth of the boys, my left leg was paralyzed and I had to use a walker. Pretty much wherever I went, little kids stared. I was actually in the hospital, going down a hallway when I met a little boy and his dad going in the opposite direction. The dad hugged the little boy close to him like I was contagious. I'll never forget it. In fact, it's actually hard to remember it here. I think that you make a great point and one that I will remember.

It's funny, b/c I have ongoing dialogue and conversations about some things - folks that are filthy, who smell, who carry their houses on their backs. Who have lost legs to mistreating diabetes or gout or other sorts of ailments. Folks who are mentally ill.

Those things, it's amazing how easy it is to normalize and approach.

But then things out of my comfort zone - and I think - what is the balance needed here, not an averting of the eyes, not a pretending I don't see, and hopefully not an annoying "wow, hey look at that" sort of foray into bringing it into the conversation.

It's a funnybugger, this one. Like a secret everyone already knows and pretends they don't, and then moves along their way.

I'm always glad to hear your opinion on this topic and I have been thinking about it a lot since I last asked for your advice. I don't know whether I ever thanked you for putting in your 2...er...50 cents.

It's true that what I'm most uncomfortable with is my own reaction and ensuring that I don't propogate that culture of segregation. My brother is living with a long-term disability as well as a highly stigmatising illness and, because that's within my comfort zone, I know how to talk about it with people who don't understand.

I was also asked questions, repeatedly, by the same people, about whether I would have children because of the pattern of inheritance of his disorder. In fact, when I was tested to determine whether I was a carrier or not I went through a brief but tense time with my brother because he thought that I was being tested in order to determine whether I would have children, instead of just being tested so that I could be prepared for the potential steps I would have to take to ensure that any children I have would have the best possible treatment as early as possible.

Sorry for the long comment. I really should have just said thank you for continuing to tackle issues like this one.

Different does seem to be a big problem for most of us. I think it goes way back in our genetic heritage and was a form of protection, of keeping the tribe healthy. Today that is no longer a concern but our genes haven't caught up with us yet.

I was bullied for years because I was different, very tall and very skinny but I think it was more than being different that was the problem, I think a large part of it was how I thought of myself. I thought I was a victim and I think the other kids picked up on that, because I remember other kids who were different and they were not bullied.

I look at my daughter who is different but doesn't see herself as a victim, or different for that matter and she is accepted.

I think Frances will have the biggest impact on how people will treat her, how she feels about herself. She's got you in her corner too.

Integrated classrooms are a tough one. I have friends who are teachers, and they confirm what you've suggested here: from their perspective, the kids in their classrooms have learned a lot from having children with disabilities integrated into their class. At the same time, though, I read statistics about the prevalence of bullying for high-functioning autistic children, and my heart sinks.

Whatever Bub's learning issues turn out to be, I suspect that he would do best in a mainstream classroom, so I'm glad that's become the status quo: it's one less thing to worry about. My sister, on the other hand, did better socially and academically in her GLD class. She still has friends today from her "special" class and high school. If she had been mainstreamed, it may well have been better for the other kids (in terms of opening their minds), but it wouldn't have been better for her.

You know, deb, I'm not sure about that. I know that infanticide was more common prehistorically; but do we actually know what their motivations were? I know some tribes thought it was unhealthy for kids to be born with hair, and killed them; and other tribes thought twins were unhealthy, and killed them. It almost seems like we're assuming these people had values like our own and so must have punished the same forms of difference that we do. But I'm not sure about that. (By the way, this is not just in response to your comment; I've seen a lot of people write that of course we abort fetuses w/ T21, just like prehistoric people would have killed them at birth! But where is the evidence that they did any such thing?)

You look at a society like the Mayans, where they flattened a newborn's head with boards and strung a bead between their eyes so they would become crossed--I don't know.

B&P, I know mainstreaming doesn't work that way in the school district we live in--kids with legitimate academic needs in either direction are accomodated, either wiht separate curricula or separate classrooms.

But I don't think that putting every child into the same classroom is more respectful of difference than keeping out anyone who doesn't look the same, and from what I've seen, that's not what's happening. I think it's a question of what the differences are. Recognizing a difference that creates a legitimate separate need in the appropriate context (education for children who learn differently) is not the same thing as segregating blind or deaf kids or kids in wheelchairs because we can't be bothered to build schools they can navigate. Nor is it the same thing as segregating children with Down syndrome--when you consider that some adults w/ T21 are getting Masters degrees, and I know personally of one or two who are reading at the age of four, assuming that a particular difference has a particular educational consequence or need does not make sense.

Mainstreaming a child with a learning difference without making accomodations for that difference would be just like pretending Frances isn't short. Right? When she goes to school she's going to need accomodations, and she has a legal right to them. I hope the same is true of children with learning differences, including separate classrooms where warranted. But I think it is overall a very good thing that children with irrelevant non-learning differences are being accomodated within the mainstream.

I think you have an interesting point about shushing children who point out differences, that it sends the messages that differences are shameful. I've shushed my children, but usually what I say to them is that it is impolite to speak about someone as though they aren't there. I tell them that if we know the person, they can ask politely and if we don't, they can wait until we are out of earshot, and then I give a full explanation. It's the rudeness of having the kid treat someone different as though they are also deaf that bothers me. I supposed if I shushed them and then refused to speak about it later, that might send the 'differences are shameful' message.

I have a lot more to say about this, and having just discussed DS and prenatal screening on my blog, I think I'll just go write it there rather than rambling on here! ;-)

I'm still waiting with baited breath to see how my "different" daughter fares in the mainstream kindy/school system. I worry she will be teased and I worry that she won't cope... but I'm glad she is being give a chance with the other children. It would break my heart to give up before we'd started.

This is contrary to your feelings about hair growth as a marker of gender. I believe that when you feel like a misfit and you don't like the way the world treats you, you change the world, not yourself. Your argument for inclusion is in line with this. The world isn't accessible? Build wheelchair ramps, etc. People can't tell whether your kid is male or female, and it bugs the crap out of these people? Their problem, not yours.

I'm astounded that anyone would presume you wouldn't want another kid like Frances - a kid who is in any way Franceslike. For the reason you point out, but also because just such a horrible think to think and feel, and to say. To you. Who made Frances.

This really speaks volumes to me...I've been wrestling with this very topic lately. I'm not sure how I stand on this issue--my son has many sensory issues that stand in the way of how he is able to learn and interact in his mainstreamed classroom, yet I wouldn't want him anywhere else (I don't think--see, I'm conflicted!). I know he'll always be viewed as a little different, or at the best "quirky"--it's hard enough for me sometimes to turn that over in my own mind, I know it will be hard for others as well--but it really shouldn't be.

I'm new to this blog and loving it, and I'm following this discussion with fascination. Just three comments, if you will allow a newbie:
1.) If your little kid points at someone on the bus and says "That lady has big spots on her face!" (and the lady in question turns bright red), the kid needs to be shushed, I think. N's take, teach them better, is fine if they are old enough;
2.) My public school was 'integrated' in the 1950's. There were a range of kids with physical and developmental issues, who did some subjects apart but took music, art, gym and some classroom work with their age group. It seemed quite normal to us;
and finally
3.) has anyone considered the plight of a classroom teacher faced with a classroom containing behavioural problems, physically challenged kids, slow learners, etc. Without proper support, the teacher may well be forced into a space where some kids don't get taught.

Macarena, do you think so? Re: being inconsistent. If you feel like elaborating I'd like to hear it.

Mary, thank you, and welcome. 1. Maybe, maybe not. Her flushing might be a clue that she's not comfortable with her difference being noted but the child has not actually done anything wrong, IMO, and shushing could send the message that she has. What if the mother said, "I don't think she's comfortable with you talking about her that way. Let's talk about something else." 2. That's true--that's what I'm hoping for Frances, too. 3. Certainly there would be increased challenges. My understanding is that educational aides are often in the classroom to provide that support to both the teacher and the student, when required. However, I don't think anyone wants the teachers to drown--but at the same time, any solution that depends on hurting the kids is, IMO, unacceptable.

God, Andrea, have I told you lately how much I totally love you?

You are a goddess.

I hope you don't mind if I point a lot more readers here. Your essays on disability and difference are absolutely wonderful.

And the writing! So: being confronted with someone who is visibly different is like coming upon someone masturbating in the bread aisle in the supermarket. Funnier than hell and perceptive and to the point.

OK, I'm through inflating your ego for now. ;-)

Whoosh, there goes my head again.

Wonderfully and clearly put. I think along these lines whenever someone states s/he is "colourblind," effectively erasing the existence of any non-whites in the room.