I totally agree with you... a mother should stand up for her children!

I am not extremely short, but I am about 5'1'' and I've been short (10-20 percentile)my whole life. I've always gotten a lot of short jokes, etc., but I also always knew that there was nothing wrong with short and that short women are beautiful. This is in part because I had strong short role models--both my mother and stepmother are shorter than me. Finding great short/little women for frances to know growing up is one great way to not only block but counter the negative messages she'll get growing up.

sorry if that is assdvice.

You've just described the Social Model of Disability very neatly indeed, there. Its counter-weight is the Medical Model, which equates disability with difference and as a negative thing to be corrected.

Impairment describes how I am. I have an impairment of the ability to walk and stand; it only becomes a disability when the physical environment, or society's attitudes, disadvantage me. People with diabetes have an impairment of the body's ability to regulate its blood sugar; it's not always disabling. Frances could be described as impaired because she is significantly smaller than average; it is a huge triumph of her environment - largely as created by you, her parents - that she does not experience disability. Long may it remain so.

Frances and Andrea: I do hope that this continues to be a "multi-post extravaganza." Everytime this media is used for thought clarification and venting, I learn something new. I learn to see things from a different perspective. Hopefully, I internalize that knowledge and become a better person because if it.

I'd never thought of the "Social Model of Disability" as you described it. It makes very good sense.

You're BOTH perfect. Exactly as you are. I wouldn't change a thing. (To change one thing would bring about other changes and you wouldn't be you anymore!)

I also forgot to mention that you are completely right about not teaching frances to patiently apologize for herself. She is perfect, and those who cant see it have something wrong with them.

Have you considered finding a mentor for Frances? My brother is quite short due to a disease that causes all sorts of skeletal problems (arthritis, bone spurs, etc.). He had a built in mentor in my Mom since they both have similar diseases (genetic). She could always help him react to jerks when he was little and I think that really helped him deal with it. If there is an organization for smaller people in Canada, maybe they could help you find someone who would be a good mentor for Frances as she gets older.
I was thinking the other day that if my brother had been female, he would actually have had an easier childhood. He is now around 5'1" so not nearly the height difference Frances or even my Mom (4'10") have. Being smaller seems a bit less of a social stigma for girls than it is for boys. He learned how to fight very early on. Just another observation on the oddities of social structure.

Andrea, these posts are wonderful and I hope you don't stop them (unless you're tired of them).

Mom's Daily Dose at ClubMom (where Moreena blogs these days) has a post today about a mom encountering children smaller than the average and not being sure what to say, other than knowing she shouldn't say "They're so tiny!" In this case, the mom of the children brought up their ages, so she wasn't sure if that was an invitation to discuss their differences. I posted to her, and thought of providing a link to one of your fabulous posts, but didn't do so in case you wouldn't like it.

Very well said. Bravo! Sounds like you are doing a terrific job as Frances' mother, and she is doing a terrific job of being Frances. I'm sorry that it's sometimes hard work to educate and inform other people. Thanks for reminding me of the issues, to continue to be sensitive to children and adults with visible differences at our school and in the world at large.

CG & Exiled to Canada--we are members of a few Little People (LP) groups. We haven't made much use of them yet, though I know they put out a good package for parents to use when registering their kids at a new school that I imagine will be handy when we know where Frances is going in September. But definitely, one of the reasons we signed up is so that Frances can get to know and learn from people who actually understand.

Genevieve, thank you. And thanks for the notice--I popped over myself and left a comment.

Miche, shucks. I'm so not perfect.

Disability is a gnarly issue. First off, I agree so completely with your statement that your job is to soften the blows for Frances, not excuse them. As a fully disabled person, I can tell you (which I'm sure you already know) that coping styles vary. She will find her way through the maze, cope and adapt in ways that those of us without a similar condition can't even imagine.

I've managed to cope with my disability in my own way ~ and highly resent those who try to design a way *they* believe will work for me because of some demographic study ~ or some lecture in a Psychology 101 class. This is my path and I will design it according to my own needs.

May Frances have the ability to do the same with her path.

:)

Peace,

~Chani

I had a roommate who is a little person. One day when we were doing the dishes she sighed and said she hoped to be able to afford to build a kitchen to her height when she was older. Up until then I'd only noticed how well she'd adapted to our shared built environment, and not how difficult that environment was for her compared to me or our other roommate. It lead to a very interesting conversation of what being small has meant to her. It certainly made me rethink some of my pre-conceived notions of what the 'normal' built world should be like...

You're such a great mom.

The blog's a start, isn't it? I'm way more aware of difference, and the way the world's set-up can create a problem where none was before, than I was before reading you.

I'll say it again, she's lucky to have you.

Great observations, Andrea! It is a definite challenge growing up different from society's expectations of "perfection" or "normal." I definitely understand how tiring the education of others can be. I think the best thing you can do is demonstrate that assertive education/sticking up. Francis will develop ways of dealing with the expectations of others. Debriefing after experiences where people or situations need a healthy dose of learning to accomodate will help her develop a healthy view of how to respond to those situations.

I had a great teacher who always debriefed after orientation and mobility lessons. She asked a lot of good questions, and was able to point out aspects I never would have noticed. It was the little things like "that passageway where the police siren was going off was really confusing. I remember having to deal with that in training." I social work speak, she validated my experience. That will probably be the absolute best "vaccine" you can give Francis against the hurtful words of others, and the urge we can get to appologize for things that are not really our issues.

I hope this made sense, and I'd be happy to help or clarify any of this. Thank you for tackling this issue.

Andrea, thank you so much. What a great way of explaining the Social Model...putting it into terms that people can understand.

With greatest respect, I'd love your opinion on something I posted a few days ago, in terms of how to react when your child questions differences that they observe in other people. I am acutely aware of not wanting to use people as educational tools, while also trying to openly and honestly address and respond to the fact that kids will notice and comment. (The post is called Respect)

Your writing about this is fantastic Andrea. I stand in awe, once again.

Thank you for visiting and for your insight. I knew that you would have some great advice. I agree with you: what I tried to touch on in my last sentence, but I didn't clearly didn't elaborate, was that I also feel uncomfortable with asking other people to become tools for learning about difference. That's part of why I needed people's advice.

It's a wild world we're navigating here with our kids, with so many challenges, and I'm so glad to have people to turn to for advice. And thanks for the referral to aboutface.org, I'm going to go check it out!

I forgot to say in my post, Andrea, that I had just been thinking about Shrek recently, and how awful the height slams were and how you would feel about it. I do remember a number of the reviews mentioning it at the time, saying how they didn't fit the message of tolerance in the rest of the movie.

Andrea,
I hate that you have to educate me on such matters but I am grateful that after all this time, you are still doing it with intelligence and grace.

As for Shrek, hunt down the origianl picture book by William Steig. It has very little to do with the movie and can act as an object lesson for how Hollywood cheapens things.

Andrea, you always make me think of things I'd never considered before. I think you're awakening minds already through this medium. Frances is in good hands.

Like curiousgyrl, I am also a "short" 5'1. My mother is 4'10, my aunt 4'9. They were always lovely -- done up and strong. Forces to be reckoned with. It did help with my self image and I've always felt taller than I was. The size of your personality counts for a lot.

That being said, I am always annoyed at how my feet don't reach the ground on the streetcar, how my 6 foot husband keeps the extra paper towels above the kitchen cabinets, how I have to drop my son into his crib at night because I didn't think to buy a crib with a gate that lowers.

But whenever I want to complain about my lack of stature, I think of a 5 foot girlfriend who was in a terrible car accident and told that if she were any taller, she would have died. Sometimes being small happens to be in your favour. And besides, it's common knowledge that the best things come in small packages.

Mad Hatter, I'll do that. The book's always better than the movie, isn't it?

You're so right about Shrek ... and I speak as someone who loves that movie. It just grated on me the whole way through that in a movie whose whole message seemed to be about not judging people by their outwards appearance, Lord Farquod was constantly put down, not for being an arrogant bastard, but for being short. It was such a jarring note in a story I otherwise liked.