It's obviousl that she's perfect now. Why WOULD anyone want to change her?

She is absolutely adorable and perfect as she is. And the most important person who needs to know that does - you said it yourself, Frances doesn't doubt her beauty and perfection. Let's hope she never does.

My guess is that those close to you wish for a catch up b/c of the issues with stairs and all the adaptive problems she will encounter living in this world. They simply haven't thought through what a "catch up" might mean. And you're right about T's mother's dismissal of the size difference speaking to something larger--that fear of difference that you encounter daily.

She is tiny and enchanting -- and funny as hell. I wonder where she got the funny as hell gene from.

You've hit it right on the money. It's the same thing I've noticed when people say, "I don't notice the colour of people's skin," or something along those lines. Of course you do! And denying that may be denying one of those attributes which someone takes great pride in/feels tortured about/loves along with all of its complexity or at minimum feels that it has had a direct effect on his/her life. How could anyone believe that that is an unprejudiced position to take?

I don't deny that the definition of childhood that you read is alluding to physical growth, but I'm sure it's also referring to emotional, intellectual and psychological growth as well. I'm certainly not the person to develop a new definition but it would be nicer if that was made clearer, although that would likely leave parents of children with developmental disabilities feeling excluded, too. So...I have no answers...forgive me.

As for the quote re: childhood, She may not be growing tall, but she IS growing up, and we are all enjoying hearing about it. Grow, Frances, Grow!!!

I was going to say something similar to NSS -- Frances is clearly growing in vocabulary, in reasoning skills, in emotional maturity, etc. I think it would be reasonable for you, knowing what you know, to consider references to growth (from casual conversations, etc) to refer to those things. I don't mean you should deny her size to make other people more comfortable. Only that if you don't feel like discussing her size you can always fall back on "Guess what she learned to do/say last week!"

I agree that "growth" means many things. Maturity, capability, understanding, "personal growth". Height is just one of many milestones, though an important milestone and I'm never going to deny that. But I think that focusing on the many milestones she has reached early will more than make up for this one milestone she will never reach. So she's SMART! BEAUTIFUL! FUNNY! TALENTED! SKILLFUL! and tiny. Tiny is hard, but the other things will make it so much easier.

She is a princess cut flawless emerald in a world full of paving stones.

MH, you're probably right, but the tone of voice used to convey the "don't worry, she'll catch up," put's all the emphasis on the "Don't worry." I'm not worried, but by phrasing it that way or by using it that tone, it's pretty clear that they are or that they think I ought to be. Does that make sense?

I'm not a bit worried about her size. I'm worried about how we'll deal with some of the barriers to her full participation in society that we'll encounter someday because of attitudes towards her size.

NSS--you're right about the noticing.

I should have made my initial paragraph clearer--the context of that definition was an article about how doctors should determine if a child is failing to thrive, and was explicitly dealing only with gains in weight and inches. That particular article didn't even include the mitigating circumstances that I typically encountered elsewhere (eg. "infants should gain a minimum of x ounces per day/y inches per month, unless they are dealing with a, b, c"). Just "children should grow; growth is the definition of childhood; children who are not growing by this amount (in ounces & inches) are failing to thrive and should be assessed and/or hospitalized and/or seen by CAS."

You're all right, though. Growth means a lot of things. Erik and I always joke that all of the calories diverted from the physical growth are going to her enormous brain.

And Liz, thank you. That was lovely.

Liz has said it so eloquently. Frances is indeed a gem.

She sounds absolutely wonderful.. and I love reading about her. :) She sounds like such a good-spirited person that she will overcome anything that comes her way.

Peace,

~Chani

Oh, Andrea...I think people shun away from feeling. from speaking the truth. it's one of our most common fallacies - and social norms and wanting to be liked all contribute. The fact that Frances is adorable and perfect goes without saying. I'd imagine people who know you would know you also want a different level of dialogue. Perhaps by engaging you in a conversation of what sorts of things are different in your home (stairs and tables) than are true for them. How you find clothes that don't make her look like a baby yet represent her girlhood. How do you respond to people to respond to her in a way that you find unacceptable? Or a hundred other things.

I've only started getting to know you, but I expect that would be the sort of dialogue you'd appreciate - the kind that is honest and fair and inquisitive. Because in the time I've known you, I've learned you are a hell of a teacher/researcher. And above all, a mother. Who will fight for whatever rights that may or may not be compromised by raising a child who doesn't fall so neatly into what we've defined as "normal sized". And all the platitudes in the world won't adjust that - but awareness and understanding and appreciation of diversity can have a whole other sort of normalizing effect in her life.

Thank you for always putting the tough questions out there, and making us think. Hell of a mother, you.

Yeah, even a kid who stays very small "grows," in the sense of change--my 11yo son is tiny, but he doesn't look like a three-year-old (which would match his weight)--and he can do a lot of things he didn't do five years ago. The change is slow, sometimes, but it counts--because when you stop changing, it's all over, isn't it?

You may like the "Small is Beautiful" t-shirt I bought for my boy's stocking this year, it's from a Cafe Press store called "MadScienceMama"--here's the link:
http://www.cafepress.com/madsciencemama/1958521
She's also got "Little is Lovely" shirts.

"She is a ballet dancer in a world of basketball players."

I love this phrase, it jumps out at me :D

As for Francis being "normal" honestly in a world of so many eclectic people what is normal!! She is perfect as she is, herself!! Smart & cute little cookie that she is!!!

I think you and your commenters have the right of it -- we adore Frances. Not only is she as cute as can be, she's also very sweet, very empathetic, and also very well spoken for her age. What's not to like?

Yes, Frances will always be small. But only in her physical size. Her soul and her personality are already as big as all outdoors. And that smile is big enough for THREE kids of what they call "average" height!

OOOH, she is perfect, absolutely perfect, with her tiny little self.

I have had people tell me that they don't even "think of my kids as black" and I get all kinds of insulted, for the very reasons you mentioned-if it's a positive trait, you think of them that way. I always say, "if she were an accomplished pianist, would you think of her as that?"

I totally heart Frances, and all things Frances, especially her tiny-ness. It's a wonderful part of who she is.

Beautiful.

Just a tiny bit in your SILs defense, she is probably trying to let you know that she doesn't think Frances is weird for being small, and the only way she knows how to do that is to ignore the fact that she's small.

I imagine the difference between Frances & Sasha is the same as between Sasha and Blake. Except Frances is older (a little). Thanks for the descriptions!

Noticing vs "Noticing" is such a difficult situation.

To continue the racial comparison. I agree that its disingenous - dishonest even -to make the claim "Oh, I don't notice race." But that doesn't mean we walk around observing out loud, "Oh, you're black!" or "I see you're Asian," or "WIth that coloring, you're Swedish, aren't you?"

There's noticing, and then there's commenting. Personally, having gotten a lot of comments about my child's size (usually, these days, implying that I overfeed her in some way), I try very hard to steer away from any comment about size, or physical appearance more generally, when I see anyone's child - unless they are the ones to broach the subject first.

It's funny -- on the subject of "growing," I was just thinking the other day about this - I tend to use "grown up" not in the sense of growing in size, but growing in skills. "Aren't you grown up then?" is something I might say to a child who is showing me a newly acquired skill - one who has grown in dignity, one might say, more than in stature specifically. But so many of the words that connote that maturation are size-related: Big Girl. Stature (means standing in society, as well as height). Grownup. Hm.

Hi!

Surely childhood is defined as much (more?) by "personal" growth and learning, as by physical growth?

I think when someone such as T's mother makes that sort of comment, they probably (misguidedly)think they're doing it out of consideraton for your feelings, like when a person avoids a bereaved person in the street so they don't have to have a confrontation they feel is awkward. I don't think it's necessarily because T's mother is prejudiced, but then I don't know her, so I could be way out.

Your little girl sounds beautiful and charming and above all, very happy. She obviously has parents who love her.

I have a beautiful little girl as well, she's grown physically just fine but she has the mind of a three year old child. It took many, many years for my mum to stop saying, "She'll be fine one day." It makes it even harder to accept that there's something different about your child when you have to convince others of it. My daughter is also a mystery, we still have no idea of what caused the problem, but hey, mysterious women are interesting.

Frances is certainly growing in personality, joy, and wondrousness daily!!!! She is just perfect.

Curious Girl is bigger than Frances, but at the 1st percentile in height and well below that in weight. As I am pretty tall myself (a fact utterly unrelated to CG's potential size, as I'm not her bio mother), people often say, looking at me, "oh, she'll catch up," or tell me about their brother/uncle/cousin who had a big growth spurt at 14 or 17.

What's driving me crazy now is people out and about in the world who seem to do nothing but say to me/her/us, "oh, she's so TINY!" While I totally agree with you that realistic acknowledgement of small stature is helpful in figuring out how to navigate the world, the comments from strangers make me nuts.

To start, Frances totally rocks! She is such a gem!

At the risk of high-jacking your comments, I would like to share some experiences.

I'm a visible minority and growing up in a WASP world I was always initially perceived as "different" even though my bloodline has been in this country for many generations. Based on appearances alone, people often expected me to behave like an immigrant who "just came off the boat." In my teenage years, I got a lot of "I don't even notice you're Chinese." To which I usually thought "And I hardly even notice that you're an idiot."

For over ten years I've had a physical condition which requires the use of splinting. For the first few years or so, I wore ugly, plastic, custom-made, highly visible splints on both of my arms all the time. They were so obvious that I hated going out. Strangers felt compelled to seek me out and comment. There were genuinely concerned comments such as "You poor dear, what can I do to make your life easier?" But they were in the minority. Often I heard "You should find a job that doesn't impact you physical condition." Or other gems like "What's wrong with you?"

As my friends and co-workers began to grow accustomed to the splints, I noticed something peculiar happened. Whenever a "newcomer" came into the group and made note of the splints, one of the "seasoned" folks would say something like "but she only had to wear one on her left arm before." Which was curious, because I always had to wear them on BOTH arms.

Which lead me to think, with time folks stop paying attention to my splints. Maybe that's what they meant when they said "I don't even notice you're Chinese." It's not that they're overtly racist. It's just initially they identified me as being "different" from them (human nature) and with time they realize that I'm not really that different. If I am feeling generous, I'd go so far as to say the comment wasn't meant to be ignorant – it was actually a backhanded compliment – my personality is strong enough to make people focus on me as a person in lieu of the superficial aspects of me.

I've come to equate it to things like being blonde or wearing glasses. Initially, when I first see people I notice hair-colour or requirements for corrective lenses. I may describe TV characters using those traits to my husband, before I've gotten into a show. But I hardly categorize my friends as "the blonde one" or the "glasses wearing one" because I see them was whole people. It seems a stretch to say race or size are the same as hair colour or glasses-wearing. But I think, in their hearts, that's all that many people mean by their poorly articulated comments. (There will always be completely ignorant people out there, of course.)

It comes down to something my mother said to me as a child, that took me most of my life to understand. She said that being "different" from the majority will force me to be "extra understanding" of everybody else. Because one is in the minority means that the majority haven't had the time, experience or exposure required to define acceptable behaviour or to develop the vocabulary required to express themselves in a non-offensive manner. For many years I kept a small chip on my shoulder – just because I'm different, I thought, doesn't give the other people the right to be rude. Over time I've softened my stand. Many times folks sound rude without intending to be. They just don't know what words to use. (When folks are overtly and maliciously rude, well, that's another story.)

If you wished to be generous with your T's mom, she may have meant "The difference in size is exaggerated because T is large for his age."

It isn't fair that those in any minority (race, physical ability etc) should have to have thicker skin and be more understanding with the general populace, when they have so many other hurdles to over come. Sometimes it's a matter of survival.

I get so annoyed with the growth chart business...and some many people place so much stock in it!

Frances sounds marvelous...the holidays are hard. People are constantly comparing my daughter to their kids and remarking at how much smaller she is and how she doesn't look like she's about to turn three. Ugh.

Thanks for the well-written perspective about this.

Hey, Andrea, have you seen the new "Special Needs Mama" column over at Literary Mama (www.literarymama.com)? The columnist also explores issues of people noticing (or pretending not to notice) differences. You (or your commenters) might be interested in what she has to say.

Penny, thanks for the link. I'll have to remember those.

Deb, thanks for that comment. It's interesting to know that there are similar issues even when the situation is switched.

Susan, it makes me less nuts than it used to. It depends on the tone. If I can see that someone is commenting on her size the same way they might comment on how beautiful she is or how well-behaved, I take it as a compliment (or at least as neutral).

Lee, I appreciate that. And I accept that with strangers or outsiders, it's inevitable that we'll have to learn a lot more than they well and express patience and tolerance frequently. But this is family. A point I'm planning to expand on this week.

Kate, I hadn't seen it before. Thanks for pointing it out.

alice, I don't think your comparison was intentional, but actually I don't want people to think of my status as a mother of a small girl to be equivalent to a person in mourning. I agree that they're trying to spare my feelings; but spare them from what? In order for them to think that they're sparing my feelings they have to believe that Frances's small size is a Bad Thing--which is the prejudice I was talking about. And, well, this is the same person who used to love to discourse on how Polish people make lousy bosses, so....

Frances is adorable! Although our daughter is physically larger than Frances, she still frequently does stairs on hands and knees too. And as I seem to recall at the playground, Frances seemed much more happy than our daughter to tackle the obstacles the equipment presented. Frances would advance on her own steam while ours would wait until we helped her. I have no doubt that Frances will not let any perceived obstacle get in her way!

As for family. It's been my experience that family just means "familiarity." As with those with advanced age, family members feel less required to mind their thoughts and their words. Which means that nice people are super-nice to family members. And over-bearing annoying people are excessively stupid with family members.

Good luck on the family front!