Andrea,
The problem with my rage is that it is often misspent. I will feel rage at an umpire during a slo-pitch game for a bad call NOT at a male colleague who simply assumes that my lack of penis means that I will take minutes. The second scenario produces more of a simmering resentment that I then use to mold future circumstances to my liking: not with honey but with pure manipulative craft.

My anger runs deep. It translates into critical thought and concrete plans for action. My rage? I believe it is good for my mental health and I am happy that it forms a part of my emotional landscape but it is ultimately not that useful in the real world. 'Cause what good is it to let fly on a toddler who simply can't nap, to cite a recent example?

Now, if you've got pointers as to how to channel one's rage away from the trivial and towards the productive, I'm all ears.

I think the "good for mental health" part is enough justification on its own, but, speaking purely from personal experience, my rage doesn't come from nowhere. It only feels like it.

It's more like this:

Seven sleepless nights--"I can handle this! No problem! Not her fault, no reason to be angry, no sirry, my goodness I AM a good mom!"

Starting to get sick--"I can handle this! No problem! Not her fault, no reason to be angry, no sirry."

Very sick, Frances well, bouncing around and I can't keep up--"GAS#$^$%&QWD#$^! I CAN'T TAKE ONE MORE MINUTE OF THIS!" Cue explosion, detritus and brain guts falling everywhere.

IN other words, there's an escalation period and, even though I'm pro-anger (if such a thing makes any sense), I often tap it down when it comes to Frances because it is at odds with my internalized image of the ideal mother. Then it explodes. And it's not pretty. I'm trying not to do this--to acknowledge the anger and see if there are any productive or useful solutions that might come of it before I get to the point of I'M GOING TO DIE OR YOU ARE.

I think too often we fail to recognize that if anyone else in our lives were doing to us what our kids do to us, we'd put a restraining order on them. It makes perfectly good sense to be pissed off about it.

Sometimes there's not a damned thing we can do about it. Sometimes the circumstances that make us angry are completely outside of our control (which, IMO, is when it tends to build into rage--because it ca'nt be dissipated into useful, concrete actions. This is when I find a boxing bag very, very useful). Kids do this to us a lot--we know why we're angry, but we can't do anything about it except wait out the phase or the illness or the sleepless period or the colic or whatever it is that's driving us batshit. And maybe the useful and productive course is to work on those societal changes that we all know are needed so that parents aren't doing this by themselves. If there were a neighbourhood drop-in daycare that you could bring your girl to for an hour or two on the days she won't nap so you can get out by yourself and hear your own thoughts, wouldn't it be easier?

YMMV, etc., but I know it's true for me. Hell, even when I was a kid and lashign out inappropriately every which way, I know exactly what was going on: I couldn't safely express my anger to the two people who caused it, my parents. So it built and built and built and then, kabloom! All over someone else.

I also have a poker face and others rarely know when I am really angry. Anger is a signal that we are being violated on some level. The most important thing is to understand that it is *our own* feeling and not someone else's responsibility.

I come from the position that very few people truly purposely do something to make us angry. Everyone's triggers are different. Healthy boundary-setting and a good set of coping skills seem to keep it from getting out of hand.

But, every now and then, we just *lose it*. I had the experience recently and had to remind myself that no one else is responsible for reading my mind or walking on eggs to make sure I don't get annoyed.

It's a delicate balancing act. What constitutes a healthy communication of displeasure and one that should be kept to ourselves?

Hm.

Peace,

~Chani

Re little kids doing it to us. I recall once while I was trying to toilet train a two plus, oblivious moppet that I cleaned her up, carefully put her outside in her playyard out of earshot and kicked the cupboard door under the kitchen sink into match sized pieces. No one is meant to be alone with one or more preschoolers day and night after day and night. We should live in such a way that we always have access to support from family/friends when we need it.

One of the things I really like about the blogging thing is that there are entities out there to talk with.

Thanks for the anger-as-leashed-dog metaphor. Thought provoking.

Very interesting Blog. I too have Anger Management issuse. I don't hit I just explode after hours and hours of repeating the same thing. Or when some adult has angered me, I get quite and walk away. Most people know when I'm angry I can't hide it. I've had friend tell me so. I'm fairly patient person but if pushed and then trigger button is pushed I blow. I yell. I'm at odds with myself with this. I think it's good for kids to see that angery is good and healthy as long as it is under control. But then I have the so called "experts" telling me that this is no way to be. So what is it?How do I teach my kids to control this? My Son has a short fuse. I'm trying to teach him not to throw or hit but do go for a run or When to leave to when he gets angery, and then stop and think and fix whatever it is that upset him in the first place. But he's only 5.

thanks for this Andrea. Very interesting.

OK, I smashed my knuckles against the cement foundation of my house once to keep from smashing someone's teeth in. Seriously. It's rare that my anger is that deep, but I had been pushed and pushed until I blew. Yes, it was a kid.

This is a great post. Give me lots to think about.

The leashed-dog metaphor is very apt. One thing I was trying to explore in my post on this topic is the idea that when it comes to our children, the leashes come off. There are probably good reasons to put our anger on a longer leash when it comes to our children - to let them see it snap and bark a bit more than we might otherwise do. Quite different from taking the leash off entirely.

When I'm teaching Little Women, I always rake Marmee over the coals for her "I've learned not to show it and I hope to learn not to feel it" attitude towards anger. To her credit, though, she does admit to feeling angry every day - so it's a very mixed message she's sending: good little women shouldn't feel anger, but real women do feel it every day.

I don't think it ever occurs to me to feel ashamed or unworthy because of my feelings of anger. At the same time, I have pretty strong inhibitions preventing me from expressing it, with only a few worn-down patches where my mother and my husband are concerned (they're the only ones I feel safe snapping at).

Anger is a really big word, though - it embraces such a huge range of emotion. As an involuntary response (as you've described here), anger is a useful kind of thermostat. But then there's anger-as-hobby - the "Can you believe her?" kind, that involves nurturing a grievance or bonding over a shared offense. Anger may not be bad, in and of itself, but it has a lot of bad relatives.

Sleepless: when Frances was sick, did she want you and not Erik?

Back when I was young and had more disposable income than I knew what to do with, I used to buy music. Ah, the good old days. One of my favorite bands to listen to on high-energy days was Rage Against the Machine. (I should pull that album out today.) Most of the vocals are shouted, with an angry delivery. There is one line that the vocalist would deliver calmly (for contrast) and I can remember my friends at the time all recoiling when they heard it: "Anger is a gift."

I didn't recoil. I understood it. I recognized that I spend a lot of energy suppressing my anger, too, instead of spending the energy to train it and use it. Now it's unruly and I'm prone to explosions too.

Macarena, she wanted both of us. But it doesn't really matter as neither of us can sleep when she's up and crying.

MaryG, I've put a few dents in the wall in my day, but I've never actually destroyed a cupboard door--well done! That's impressive.

Yankee, I was actually thinking of you a bit when I wrote this. I hope you guys are able to find your way out of the woods on this one. I really wish I could comment on your blog posts b/c you're going through such a rough time lately.

B&P, there are definitely times when the dog gets off the leash. But I'd argue, first of all, that sometimes the dog needs to get off the leash--that's the nuclear warhead, and secondly, even those times when it gets off and it shouldn't have things are rarely unfixable.

There's a reason I have a punching bag in the basement, and it's not because I have a perfect track record with anger. It's because I've learned to recognize when the dog's getting away from me--sometimes just barely--and get myself out of the room and into the basement where I can beat the shit out of something without nerve endings. I've missed that moment sometimes and said (screamed) things I shouldn't have--it happens. I'm not perfect.

I think it's fight-or-flight--fear is flight, anger is fight. We need both.

Most emotions have a broad range of expression, with both extremes being unhealthy--even love has an assortment of ugly cousins, including jealousy, possessiveness, and control.