The Investigation of a Novel Approach for the Treatment of Insomnia

It has long been known that insomnia particularly strikes mothers; a cruel injustice, certainly, since there are few other groups more in need of sleep. Current methods of treating insomnia suffer from known drawbacks: medications can be habit-forming, relaxation techniques can lose their effectiveness over time, and no one has yet determined how to apply enough force with a frying pan to achieve unconsciousness without also leaving a nice bruise and a welt.

Our subject for this experiment is a nearly-thirty-two year old married mother of one preschool girl who has suffered from chronic insomnia since childhood. Relaxation techniques have been only intermittently effective, as have medications; her insomnia has laughed in the face of sleep hygeine methods; and she has declined to attempt the frying pan solution. Her current method of choice is the iPod audiobook, which distracts her conscious mind from the effort to achieve sleep for long enough that sleep sneaks in through the side door. The subject was involuntarily submitted to our research into a novel technique, referred to as the Snap Out of It Method, based on the hypothesis that insomnia is just a bad habit, and you can sleep if you really want to.

The experimental design replaced her husband's ten-year-old CPAP machine (used to treat sleep apnea) and its constant though slightly loud motor with a new model that is quieter but oscillates in volume. This new machine has the effect of rendering the iPod treatment ineffective, as the oscillating volume is distinctly audible through the ear buds and distracts her from the content of the audiobook. It also really pisses her off, which is an added and unanticipated benefit of the approach. We have followed the subject's sleep patterns since early January (when the machine was replaced). Interesting patterns have emerged. The subject has attempted to do without the iPod treatment and replaced it with the earplug treatment to block out the oscillating noise of the new CPAP machine. This most frequently leaves the subject awake to ungodly hours of the morning, as there is no little voice in her ear calming her down with anecdotes about quarks, tectonic plates, presentism or the use of cell-phones in public places. The subject has taken to retiring to the guest bedroom at 2:00 am in a huff.

The subject's husband has offered to replace the mask on the new CPAP machine with a quieter model if one can be found, but has not offered to go back to the old CPAP machine, in accordance with the Snap Out of It Model of insomnia treatment. The subject points out, incorrectly we believe, that insomnia is not a bad habit and she can't simply choose to sleep in the same room as this infuriating noise. The subject's husband cowardly caved in the face of this unreasonable demand and exchanged the machine for a quieter one without an oscillating motor. The subject has returned to the iPod method of insomnia treatment.

We conclude that we have clearly chosen the wrong subject for this investigative trial. We are currently canvasing for sneaky spouses to volunteer their wives and husbands for a larger, more representative trial group for our innovative insomnia treatment.

Posted by Andrea at February 19, 2007 12:12 PM under Monday Mission

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