Don't take what Mike had to say personally. I don't know what his problem is but he obviously has a few, well more than a few, issues. It amazes me that people can be so frightened of a little girl and her mother. Why?

Frances will get hurt, she will meet people like Mike and all you can teach her to do is to not take it personally, to put it back where it belongs, on the other person. And to learn how to comfort herself when she does get hurt, because she will. Not just because of her stature, but because she's human and we all get hurt by others.

Take care of yourself sweetie. Frances is lucky to have you in her corner.

I think you should track and report him. He is not worthy of your anger, your hatred or any other negative emotion. However, reporting him and causing any sort of discomfort in his life, forcing him to be held accountable for such horrible remarks, well that is worth pursuing. I think what I have always thought of Frances "what a beautiful little girl."
I resist the impulse many times to e-mail you and ask to see pics of her. I have read the entries as to why the "shot from the back" photos are the only ones to appear and I both understand and respect that.
Anyone who doesn't like what you have to say has the freedom of choice (wholy crap what a new concept) to stop reading!!!
None of us is perfect and really who would want to be? Frances is small, so what! It only defines her if she is taught that it defines her. If you continue to teach her contrary to that, though things will happen that hurt her feelings on occasion, she will still have the proper foundation to rise above it all.
A friend and I were discussing via e-mail our daughters imperfections -- the whole laundry list. You know what, it was a complete waste of energy. Bottom line is they are both very pretty little girls who will be just fine.
Frances will be just fine too -- she has an incredible role model in her mother.
Arline

wow. amazing the power of words to hurt, and the power of my imbecile mind to forget how much until some little kernel of hate and rage gets lobbed in front of me and explodes and shocks me into remembering.

i am sorry. sorry that Mike intruded here. sorry that he exists. sorry for the stupidity of it all - i mean, really? you hate short people? isn't there something more worthy of all that vitriol? and then i am smacked in the face with my own height-ism, i suppose...because what comes to mind, in my brain's indignant retort to this jerk trying to hurt people i don't even know, is "can't you pick on someone your own size?"

which probably doesn't help at all. and embarrasses me. but points out, certainly, how hard it is to fight against the assumptions Frances will have to face through her life, even though not all are hatefully intended.

as for Mike, i think you're right, he wants to put himself on one side, you and Frances on the other. for whatever reason that makes him feel safe, or powerful. and i suppose the worst you could do would be erase that divide somehow...how i wish i had some clever offering for you.

i do think that not putting your head in the sand is a start, not so much for changing the Mikes of the world, but for the most important part of helping Frances be strong enough to face them.

As they say in the south, "Bless his heart."

I'm a strong believer in fighting ignorance with knowledge. There will be times you cannot educate other people, but Frances' innate compassion makes her a great advocate for herself and others. At a certain point in child development, difference becomes obvious. Car has talked about this point with Cooper's potential for wondering about death - the point is coming soon.

Frances loves to read. What about introducing books with a social nature: acceptance of difference type books, without focusing on any specific sort of difference. That way when Frances has an experience that may end up negative, it can be reiterated/reinterpreted in a positive light through knowledge. Allow Frances to be her own advocate. In the meantime, your response is best. Deleting the comment is the best way to deal with it, because the people who make those sort of comments are cowardly assholes. Look at the Nazis: a fear of the 'pollution' of their race leading them to kill 6 million jews, gypsies, poles, hungarians, cossacks, russians, and more. Look at the 'race guardians' in the south who dragged James Byrd behind a truck because they were afraid of him as a black man.

Fear and ignorance will not go away, unfortunately, but there are two ways to deal with it positively: Rise above when it's beyond your reach (as in the blog responses) and educate when it's within your reach. Your posts here are about the education, and as much as it might feel like tilting at windmills on occasion, it is showing the world that Frances is a human. Frances has elements about her that are more obviously different, but those elements are not detractors from her humanity.

I know the jerks out there can really piss you off, believe me. But your grace and honesty and adoration with and for your daughter are the best way to prepare her for the world. You're doing a beautiful job.

I love you guys!!

Forgiveness. Right? Forgiveness, as BubandPie says, insists upon the wrongness of the act. Forgiveness is the powerless -- the wronged -- taking back her power.

It would be beyond me, I think, but not beyond Frances.

I second calling the police. Your name is all over this blog.

If it were my blog, the blood would rush to my face and my gut would flip. I would have every reaction you are having.

But it is not my blog, so I can wonder about Mike, too. What was he doing, cruising the blogosphere and landing here? Unless you have reason to believe he knows you, that motivation was impersonal; some hate was twisting him and needed a vent and you drew the short straw. It's not about you. It's not about Frances. It's about Mike. And if you feed this troll he just gets more reinforced that it's about him, and his hate is strong. But you know well enough to try not to feed the trolls.

I'd like to pretend that virtual venting is enough for the Mikes of the world, but it's not. I would report him, absolutely.

Give Frances and yourself some hugs for me.

Oh Andrea.

I hate that people like this exist and that he has besmirched your world.

At the base of it all, I wonder what could possibly motivate someone to have such a limited heart.

I think you are raising Frances to be the sweetest strongest most kick-ass smallish person possible, and that's the best you can do.

I would not give "mike" the gratification of a response beyond your sympathy for whatever horrible past has caused him to be such a sick and twisted person.

Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear. Being a white person I have always been "treated" to other white peoples' feelings about black people, and I always feared the hatred that I was sure would one day be thrown in my black daughters' faces. So far, they have escaped overt (stress the word overt) racism, but it is a fear that never leaves me. All I can do is steel myself and try to help prepare them. When I encounter racists I have to remind myself not to expend my energy on negative reponses. I use the opportunity to "teach" them a better way to face the world.
You and the other commenters are correct: prevailing anger and hatred for "mike" are a total waste of your energy, an energy so much better spent on adoring Frances. "mike" is a sick, sick man. Report him. He needs to be stopped. This kind of verbal violence is, IMHO, an indication of either present or future physical violence as well.
Sending you and the perfect Frances my love.

I'd pass it on to the police too, since I think it a hate crime to publically say such things. Beyond that, continue to live happy, fulfilled lives, full of friends who love and accept you and your daughter. That alone is a big 'fuck you' in the face of the small and pitiful of Mike's ilk.

I speak of some experience, being Jewish. When my first daughter was born, I realized that there would come a day that I'd have to explain to her that there are people out there who hate her not because of anything she has done, but just of who she is. I'd have to tell her that much of the last world war was over a large number of people desiring to wipe her kind off the planet.

I did not want to do that. Now, I realize that there is a significant difference between my kids and Frances - it isn't obvious that my kids are Jewish upon first glance, if they don't want it to be. They can hide in a way Frances can't. But they don't. We wear Star of David jewelery and my son likes to wear his kippah (yarmulke) often outside of school (which is the only place we require he wear it, beside synagogue).

There have been times that I've considered the ramifications of making their Jewishness obvious, like when there was graffiti sprayed on homes in Toronto. I am given pause when my son walks towards the door with his t-shirt with the Hebrew writing on it. But I always decide that I'm not letting some anonymous, petty, pathetic excuse for a human being stop me and my kids from living life to the fullest, just because they hate who we are. And that is what I recommend for you.

Living well is the best revenge.

Oh, and my kids' response, when they began to understand anti-Semitism? A dismissive "That's really stupid."

I just want to echo that I think you have sound instincts to protect your girl and help her learn to fight what you see lurking out there. Who knows where this path will take you, but you've made a good start here by writing about it, by really mulling over what you want to do. That's an amazing gift Frances has to be so open, it's a treasure worth protecting.

Andrea,
I am swearing like a sailor right now. I am crying. I am so angry that I want to lash out in hate. I can't imagine what all has gone through your head since you received that comment. I want to throw myself in front of Frances for no other reason than to catch the words that will get thrown at her. And yet, she will have to grow into this world of hate and learn to navigate from a place where some of that hate is stupidly thrown at her.

I wish I could offer concrete suggestions or dismiss Mike as the ass that he is BUT I CAN'T because hate is hate. It is silencing. Please know that you have my support.

Hmmm. This is a tough call.

People like this piss me off. If it came in relation to my child (or any chld) that doubles, and triggers the sick feeling---that "protect the precious children" instinct.

People like this also trigger my pity. People like this are either born or made broken (which is different than damaged) and frequently leave a wake of victims if they aren't helped or stopped.

Revenge. Justice. Forgiveness.

I think report him is a good suggestion. Report to ISP, police, anyone else appropriate. Ban his IP.

Don't reply to him. You're 100% right: he wants you to fear, feel sick.

As soon as anyone threatens a life, it's not just a disgruntled sicko. It's a legal issue. It's not just a "ignore the twisted person."

As foe the rest of us, it's true: there's always someone telling every single one of us at some point why we don't---in their eyes---deserve space n this planet. I've hit hate. It sucks. Those people are out there. They don't have to matter, after the first reaction, and they don't get to tell us our value.

Still this one, he threatened your lives. Report him.

mike sounds like a 15 year old kid. a kid who has nothing better to do than to leave nasty comments on lovely people's blogs. my heart is heavy and sad that he exists. the sad thing is that i go out in public always worried about the "mikes" in the world who look down on me and my hunch back. probably why i'm a recluse!
nevermind about him. keep being the mother you are to Frances, she'll know who tells the truth: her mama.

I have to echo again, and say that yes, it would be good to report this to the police, because it isn't difficult to find your full name and city on your blog, and I worry primarily for both you and Frances' physical safety. I don't think that doing so would be to give this commenter any more power or thought than he merits, it is simply what needs to be done in response to any threat. And he should be aware that there are consequences to every action.

As for what you can do to make Frances' life better, the first thing that came to mind is keep blogging, and keep writing. You reach a large audience here, many of whom haven't encountered the information you're giving out before. And that's huge.

I don't need to say keep loving her, and keep making home a safe haven, because you'd do that anyway. I just read a book about teen girls bullying that wasn't that great overall, except that there was a good chapter at the end about how to talk about the bullying with your daughter in a productive and non-judgemental or diminishing way. Probably could be adaptable to talk to younger kids about it too. I have to go to work, but I'll check what the book is and post it in another commment later. Until then, hugs to you and Frances.

I agree with LauraJ--he sounds like a stupid kid with nothing better to do...but no matter who he is, that type of ugly hatred is awful and frightening. I have no suggestions to offer, only support--I'm so sorry people like that exist and feel the need to share their ugliness.

I've been reading about you and Frances since she was born (I remember when you first signed up on FF). I am outraged that these comments were made about you and your little girl. I would report this to the police.

I don't have any thing to say that hasn't already been said, except to reiterate this: This is so hurtful and I'm sorry you have to experience this. Frances is incredibly blessed to have you as her mother. May it be a long, long, long time before Frances meets anyone like mike. Please give her an extra hug for us.

Just to stoop to his level for a second, I think Mike is a big dumb jerk. There.

I have no other suggestions...the others have some good ones. Big hugs to you and that sweet girl of yours.

You are so wise, Andrea, to be able to use this in ways that make the world better for Frances. I'm seething over Mike's hideousness but will work to turn that into pity for his tremendously limited perspective. Which he would hate.

Do report him.

I'm so sorry. In college, right near the end of my freshman year, our door was vandalized 3 times. It was personal and not random. I have no idea who did it or why they did it. If I stop to think about it, I still get a pang of heat in my gut- a knot of fear and anger and confusion. Why me? What did I do to you?

People do things like this BECAUSE THEY CAN. The only way to stop it is to report it. To create a consequence. BUT you won't change his mind-- at BEST you'll change his behavior. Doubtful you'll make an example of him. If you feel there is a valid personal threat in what he said, then absolutely report it. But the reality of trolling is that ignoring it is sometimes the best option...your reaction is their fuel. Take any reaction offline.

I'm not so sure you won't change his mind, especially if he turns out to be young. Sometimes an intervention is the thing someone needs to get out of ugly thinking. Not as an immediate effect, but down the line. (Speaking as a former high school teacher.)

First off -- please let me echo everyone's shock and disgust that you had to deal with someone so poisonous and small-minded as "mike." I know that you get a lot of negative comments that you end up ignoring, but it's VERY hard to ignore something like this when it involves your child.

Secondly, "mike" is obviously wanting to evoke a response from you -- just like a child, *any* kind of attention, be it "good" or "bad", is just that -- attention. He craves your attention, and by attacking Frances, he feels that he's assured of gaining it. He doesn't care that he looks like a horse's ass to you or anyone else who happens to see his comment, he just wants that visceral reaction. I was going to say that I think that the quiet deletion of his comment and the "be on the lookout for this nimrod" that this post inspires is enough, but after reading the other comments, and being reminded that you have posted plenty of personal data, I do think that you should call someone. Whether it be police, your ISP, his ISP, whatever -- you need to do whatever you can to maintain your safety, yours and Frances'.

As for Frances encountering hate and bigotry in the real world, yes, she will see it, more's the pity. Someday. But, by discussing it with her ahead of time, she will know that people are petty, and cruel, but that doesn't mean what they say is right. She may face that kind of attitude when she gets older, but hopefully it won't happen very often, and she will have plenty of people around her to confirm that those opinions are not the ones most people hold.

You keep raising her the way you are, and just let Frances be the happy, sunny girl that she is for as long as she can. And, ignore the nitwits.

OMG how can this be? How can people behave as such; I'm at a lose for words; Lower than animals.

HUGS my dear and hugs to Francis.

I agree with LauraJ and Aliki - my first thought is that this is some dumb kid with too much time on his (her?) hands. The hatred seems manufactured to me - pure malice rather than actual beliefs. Not that that makes it any the less revolting.

Yes, please report it. Not because of hatred but because it is a legal issue.

I agree with the "report it". Hey, it was a death threat, and should be reported as such. Though maybe it is a call for help from someone who is much more sad and disabled than any of the people you've blogged about. I wouldn't waste too much time or thought on it, though, apart from reporting to appropriate authorities. Because it does reek of young stupid.

WHAT?!?! I cannot even begin to tell you how many blue words just flew out of my mouth. Report his ass to is ISP and then you know what, Andrea you go on being the you you are, and the you you want to be because just like your beautiful daughter, there is not one thing wrong with you.

I kinda have a temper - it is pretty well known. I kinda want to beat up Mike. I appreciate free speech as much as the next guy, but death threats are not free speech.

I want to smother him in his own words.

Hugs to you and to Frances.

Agreement with the idea that this is a kid. Sounds like a juvenile flamer out for kicks. If so, nailing him might do him some good. Maybe.

I think if I were Frances, grownup, that I would rather fight slime like this guy than condescension or pity. She's such a beautiful girl.

If you need help or support, you know where I am.

the range of comments here have said it from all ends of the spectrum already, there isn't much I can add except to say that it saddens me. for you, for what this represents and for the emotions it's caused you, and for him, for living such a narrow and sad life, full of fear and hate.

what a lonely world he must live in that being deliberately cruel is necessary. and scary. ignorance and terror is very scary to the rest of us. do what you need to, friend. just do it.

Agreement with the idea that this is a kid. Sounds like a juvenile flamer out for kicks. If so, nailing him might do him some good. Maybe.

I think if I were Frances, grownup, that I would rather fight slime like this guy than condescension or pity. She's such a beautiful girl.

If you need help or support, you know where I am.

Very sorry that you have received such a vicious attack. I completely agree that you should report it. It may be that he's a hardened bigot, in which case his threat should be recorded. Or he may be a juvenile flamer, in which case reporting him stands an (admittedly small) chance of embarrassing him or inconveniencing him and making him think about his actions.
With regard to Frances, I would very much hope (bordering on expect) that by the time she's old enough to encounter and understand serious prejudice she will have experienced enough love from the world to treat the Mikes of this world with the pity they deserve.
I loved your post on kindness by the way. There are some people in the world who are just so innately kind and thoughtful that sometimes I think there ought to be a grant system in place to give them awards simply for existing. Sadly, I am not one of these people

I don't really have anything new to add, but I still wanted to add yet another voice of affection and respect to this. You are one of the most amazing, interesting bloggers I read. This world seems richer because you and Frances are in it. That hatred that came vomiting at you cannot dull that and what I want is to help stand between you both and such a malicious onslaught.

It was good that you could write through it. And just as you can write through it now, you will work through it as Frances grows. She and you will weather this kind of storm, as well as many others.

I have no idea what to say as I'm still shaking with rage and dismay that there are 'mike's in the world and that they can intrude on safe spaces and attempt to make them feel, if only for a moment, less safe.

You are raising a beautiful, powerful, strong, wonderful girl who has a mama who will will help her continue to see just how beautiful, powerful, strong and wonderful she is, even when the comments from the 'mike's in this world don't come to her mom but instead directly to her.

I agree with the idea of calling the police. He threatened you and that is not on. At all. I'm actually at a loss for words about this, it's so awful.

Thanks to everyone who's commented--

I really wasn't expecting so many people to advocate reporting him, oddly, since I still can't manage to make myself worry too much about that aspect of it. But I'll think about it. (No promises.)

And I think many of you are right when you say this has 'young stupid' written all over it--the problem, from my perspective, is that 'young' pervades schools and playgrounds, which is where Frances will be spending most of her time come September; so it doesn't make me feel much better about her chances of coming across 'young stupid' in the next fifteen years or so. I remember playground bullying. It's not easy, as a kid, to separate the attacks from your own worth and say that it's just a scared, dumb kid talking.

I'm leaving the entry up for another three hours or so, then away it goes.

I'm so sorry. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Hateful words are awful and can lead to hateful actions so you should probably report him.

With respect to Frances, she will handle this kind of thing with aplomb. She's made that way and you're raising her that way. As her mother, of course you'll worry and worry a lot. But it's so clear to a third party from all that you write about her and about her upbringing that she will take hatred for what it's worth (NOTHING) and probably end up pitying the poor soul who has such a shallow and terrible life that he can't think of anything better to do than to spew hatred at strangers semi-anonymously.

Nevertheless I'm so so sorry you have to face this kind of crap. I'm glad you've received so much support from your internet friends.

Omg Andrea- that comment made me want to barf! What an asshole.

Frances is nothing short of gorgeous. I know you know that, but I want you to know that other people do. She's a very cute, pretty young girl.

As for Mike, I think he's the one that needs to be sterilized.

Been thinking of you.

The more I think about it, the more strongly I feel you should report him. I also love the comment above that the best revenge is living well. That's a huge motto in my life that I try hard (albeit not always successfully) to live up to.

Courage.

When I was in high school, Gifted education fell under special ed funding, and there was a funding designation for students for whom special ed funding applied and had to have other accommodations made for them. Because we had a wonderful advocate, the gifted twice exceptional students all had one class period together of independent study. Substitutes for that class were always iffy because there were no qualified gifted twice exceptional subs, but one substitute stands out particularly in my memory. This one had the nerve to say in front of a whole class of extremely bright adolescents who were all either sickly or were high functioning autistics and say that the human race is weakening because modern medicine is saving the lives of people who are unfit to live, and that anyone who wouldn't survive a hundred years ago had no right to live. He also went on to say that the industrialized nations of the world should stop caring for and helping the sick and the mentally ill or handicapped, so that they would die as the weak are supposed to. Fortunately, we were teenagers and full of ourselves, so we skewered him, but it has never left me that there are people in this world who think that people like me deserve to die simply because I'm born the way I am. I hope your daughter doesn't meet anyone that horrible until she's old enough to hoist him on his own petard.

Wow....

How do these people end up as teachers? I don't get it.

The guy was bitter and jealous of kids with bright futures. I'm sure he had a miserable life.

Something tells me "Mike" is butt-ugly, bitter and friendless. Either stuck in a go-nowhere job or unemployed, sleeping in his mom's basement between dirty sheets so stiff that they could get up and walk on their own.
He has bad breath. And zits on his back. He has man-boobs. He has never, no, not once, dated a woman whom he did not have to pay for the favor.
Don't believe him when he says he's a teacher. The Mikes of this world lie.
He is resentful of children because they have a future. He is resentful of women because they see him for what he is and avoid him. He is resentful of other men because they are what he is not. He is even resentful of his mother because she refuses to give the house to him outright and move to Florida.
He could change if he tried but trying takes effort.
So "Mike" continues to sit in front of his computer, trolling and stalking and lashing out whenever he encounters happiness, like a man stomping on a baby bird. Because if he can't create he might as well destroy.