sing it, sister.

with regard to the parallel conversation on race, and "seeing" difference, my favourite comment on it comes from the poet Langston Hughes, directed towards his white teachers during his studies in NY (i think...?). he said something along the lines of "always forget that i am black. and never forget that i am black."

to me, holding that balance of trying to see beyond whatever preconceptions we may have in regard to a persons' differences from ourselves, while still respecting that those differences exist and impact the way that person lives in a world that implicitly advantages some sizes, races, classes over others, is key. and exciting. and always challenging.

Let me come in as one of "those" people. I don't think that it's necessary or even desirable to erase differences in people. No one wants homogeny.

When I have said in the past, that I don't see color in a person, what it means is that color does not come into play when I think of their worth as a person. It does not mean that I don't recognize that there are vastly different type of people in the world, and thank God for that.

I guess what I am trying to say is, why do we always have to hone in on the differences in us, as if they are the sum of a person as opposed to looking at the whole picture?

Certainly Frances is small, and it presents her challenges that I will never have to face. This brings to light her other amazing qualities, that you paint in such a beautiful light here, her perseverence, her confidence, her humor. Those are all pieces of her too, no?

Just like I am diabetic as well, but I would hate to think that all future relationships in my life would hinge on people judging me for something I can't control. I didn't choose to be born white, I didn't choose to become diabetic. People don't choose race, it just is, so let's celebrate the differences, find the similarities and try to understand eachother more instead of making it all a point of contention.

Love this.

I think a big part of the problem are labels like racist, ageist, sexist that have a way of drawing lines and setting people apart. We are all all of those things, by nature. That's hard to admit. There's a reason why, as a child, when I drew a family it had a mother and a father and three children, all of whom were pale and able-bodied (though one might have had an exceptionally large, swollen, hemorrhaging knee, for instance). That's what I knew at the time. I have since grown and broadened my definition of family. And "normal".

It's how we act upon our human instincts/prejudices or whether we check our own thoughts for any basis in reality that marks our true character. But there's a lot of pain and confusion in learning that lesson that so many of us are still learning.

The world we live in is to fricking judgemental. Children are raised judgemental by their parents and even by society. I do not beleive we will ever live in an unjudgemental world. I'm different. My son is different and we are judged everyday. I "feel" the judgements peircing my body as we walk by people who just don't understand or who haven't been enlightened to what it is to be different.
This was a good post.

Great post. I can't tell you how many people have told me that they "don't see" my kids' race. It's ridiculous. I want them to see the brown of their skin-it's gorgeous! Just like their beautiful smiles, or their polite ways. Any time anyone says they don't see me kids as black, I ask if they see them as young women, or athletes, or any of the other things that they are. I would definitely see Frances' size, and find her amazing both because of and in spite of it.

Thank you. This entry helped me heal a bit from a bad family vacation. We just had our first 'get-together' after little miss was diagnosed with diabetes (2 years old). I was hoping for a week of nurturing. We were ignored. It hurt sooooo badly to be "treated like normal" that I felt it as being ignored, rendered invisible, unloved. I also felt it as hostile. But your writing helps me think that maybe it was just everyone being painfully uncomfortable. And they thought the best way to deal with the new situation was to just ignore it.

Thanks to you, I may be able to talk to my MIL again!

I have the same sort of view as flutter. I have said "I don't see race," before as well, and while I only meant it as "your race (or religion, or orientation) does not influence me on my opinion as to what kind of person you are, or how much I like or respect you," I do see where it can be taken condescendingly. I never meant to exclude with that statement -- on the contrary. Was it a simplistic description? Yes. Do I notice things like race? Obviously, yes. I am sighted; I can physically SEE it. Does it matter to me in reference to whether that person is worth getting to know or not? No.

I don't ignore Frances' size. Would I be so crass as to pepper you with questions on what's "wrong" with her upon first meeting? I would hope not. Like YT said, I am amazed at Frances, and not just because she's thoroughly adorable. I think she is smart, loving, cute as hell, and how tall or small she is factors into none of that. Do I see that she's small? Of course I do. As I said before, I am sighted; I see it. I worry about her existing in this world that's too large for her, and I worry about people who will be rude or cruel to her, but do I dislike Frances for her size? God, no. I think she's amazing, and her size, while a vital part of who she is, does not make up all of who she is. She has so much more to offer.

I apologize if I offended you in any way. It was never my intention. And, I thank you for pointing out how narrow that view can seem. I never put that connotation with it before.

Andrea, this is the best piece I've read on this topic. I have been struggling with it & this really helped me get some perspective.

I also work with a man with no arms -- that is, with about 1-inch long arms. When I first met him I was shocked and felt uncomfortable; I knew it was rude to stare but I really wanted to check him out! Also he's defensive and has a rough personality, so that made it harder to know how to interact with him. But then we got put on a project together and became friends. He's a computer programmer and he has all kinds of modified equipment. He also has a modified Harley motorcycle and a modified minivan. Anyway, after awhile I didn't "see" his tiny arms in the same way that after awhile you stop noticing that someone is strikingly beautiful. I was aware of it, but it was in the background, not worthy of comment. He managed so well, it was easy to forget. Then one day we were in a buffet line and a well-meaning person came up to Jeff and whispered, Can I help you with your tray? Jeff was incredibly graceful, saying no thank you, I think I've got it, but I was SO embarrassed on his behalf. Why would a 40-year-old man need help carrying his tray?! I think that was the first time I truly realized that dealing physically with his overly-small arms was not all that hard -- it was dealing with other people that made his small arms a disability.

Actually -- it's not that dealing with other people makes his arms a disability. It's that other people remind him that he's "disabled."

If I had a broken arm & was struggling, I'd hope that someone would help me carry my tray. You know, that the person standing beside me in line would say simply, Can I help with that? And if I had tiny arms & was struggling, I'd hope that the same would happen. Not that a person would deliberately cross a room and whisper -- as if it were shameful -- Do you need help?

When I lived in Russia men were always offering to help with things that I OBVIOUSLY did not need help with, like opening doors or carrying a small bag, just because I'm female. I think they meant to be respectful but I found it insulting. Being female does not make me weak! I can do this myself; I do it myself when you're not around! Leave me alone!

Anyway. Sorry to hijack the comments. As you know this is difficult topic.

You say it so well. Thank you for the insight. You have made me more aware of my unconscious reactions to the "other." Wonderful post. I put it up at Mommy Blog Roundup: http://mommyblogroundup.blogspot.com/

yes, yes, and yes....this post is one of the many reasons why I love reading your blog, even if I don't often have time to comment.

and as for your apology, I will say that sighted people often have more of a sensitivity towards using words like "see" than those who are visually impaired. In fact, most people who are blind/visually impaired similarly would "see" what you are saying.

Yes yes yes! Great post.

A few years ago my niece said to her mom incredulously, "Grandma's bum is SO big!" And her mom shushed her... that's not nice. I would have hoped for something more along the lines of, "Yes, it is. And isn't it great all the different shapes and sizes that people come in?"

I think it's exactly the same phenomenon as you discuss so articulately here. I found South Africa quite refreshing because people talk about race openly. There is some racism still, but at least nobody's hiding it. Here, I've seen people, when tasked with describing people, literally look around behind them, lower their voices and say, "he's black" as though noticing it is so evil.

Really great post!

That was amazingly well-put. We are all at some point or another caught trying to decide HOW to deal with someone's difference. THe answer is not easy, but the next time I feel that way I'll remember this line:

"Because people only render invisible things that they think are problems."

THanks!