Doesn't that story make you want to cry?

What to tell kids. Hmmm. Our rule (for 13 and 16 year olds) is Parents Can Look.

So I have their passwords, I look through their Facebook profiles and messages and Gmail inboxes. I look at the internet logs. So far, they only correspond with kids they know from school, church, or camps. They don't seem to want to have communication with strangers and have been warned against it by their school.

I don't know what I'd say if I had a lonely kid who wanted to make new friends on the internet - you can't talk to strangers on the internet? Is that kind of draconian?

I suppose I'd talk to them about ways to verify things and keeping personal information private and taking things with a grain of salt. One thing I know for sure - I'd still have my rule about Parents Can Look and I'd be looking a lot more often.

I believe that families should have computers in a public area of the home, NOT in their bedrooms. I beleive that children should not be allowed on the computer when a parent is not home.
I don't have to worry about my own child facing these things but I do have nieces that use my computer and I carefully monitor what they are accessing. My computer is in the living room where I can see it and they are limited to their usage. An hour or 2 each throught the day.

That's a tough one...how can you see something like that coming? How can you possibly prepare for something like that?

I can't possibly.

I hope to keep in touch with, close relationship and good communication with my kids...and build up enough esteem that they never feel that alone no matter how horrible the pain.

I don't want to Google, do I, but I will.

Julie
Using My Words

Artemesia, yes it does.

The thing is, Laura, I'm not sure that works when you have teenagers who need to use the computer to write reports for school. Should they have to write them in teh living room where everyone else is watching TV?

At some point kids will have to face the internet on their own--how do you teach them to navigate it safely?

My son is 13, so this is a relevant issue for us.

He has his own computer, and a lot of homework these days requires internet access. We have been brutally honest with him about the nature of the internet. He does not have email or IM. We do not allow access to sites with chat rooms. My space, Facebook, and other social networking sites are blocked. Not for fear of cyber bullying, but fear of online predators.

But this is a new facet to the perils of the internet and it is terrifying. It's terrifying enough that children will be so horrible to one another, I can't even fathom that a parent would take part in such a thing.

My son feels deprived because he doesn't have email, IM or texting on his cell phone. You know what? I don't feel any guilt about that whatsoever. He is safe. And that's all that matters.

Wow. There are no words. So far we have been able to control everything, but I am wise enough to know those days will end.

I hear about all kinds of software and parent "spy-ware" and I wonder if that is even useful. I realize that no amount of cyber-proofing I do will really be enough. I once was looking for a brand of pj's I had heard about on Oprah and ended up on a porn site while googling what I thought the brand name was...I don't think there is truly the ultimate protection.

You prepare them and remain vigilant is my best idea.

Oh boy. I have no idea how to prevent that kind of abuse. It's like an airplane falling out of the sky on your kid's head. It looks to me as if the parents of the child who died were not clued in about what she was doing and feeling. But I remember being 12 or so and doing things that I hid very very carefully from my parents. And they were caring and I could talk to them.
I guess you have to tell the kids not to really believe anything that can't be verified. Play along, but don't invest emotion. And hope.

Oh. My. God.

Um...my son's computer is in my room. He's 5. So far he's allowed on 6 sites (disney, cartoon network, noggin, nick, nick jr., and (shoot me now) Barbie.com)

But I think that the rule is going to be...he doesn't get to even think he's dating someone if I don't get to meet them in person.

Parents Can Look is our rule, too. Our girls (19,19,and 15)have had computers in their bedrooms without internet access. They need them for the word processing. Any internet lookup was done in the family room. Senior year they were allowed My Space pages, and I had their passwords to that and their email accounts. And I was in there at will. Our 15-year old displays such bad judgment that she is not allowed internet access unless I am sitting next to her. The big girls are in college now, and have My Space and Facebook pages, and I am on there all the time. I told them both about this incident and made them read about it. I don't know what else to do. It's all very frightening. Keep communication open is my best advice. Even with my most challenging child, no subject is taboo between us. We talk all the time.

Okay, I'm not a parent. But my general theory is to do it the same way I teach the kids I care for to interact with strangers face-to-face:

- They don't have to talk to or let a stranger touch them, ever, if they don't want to

- They should try to be polite, but it's okay not to be if someone is making you worried.

- If they are talking to someone and like them, I ask them later what they liked about them, and whether nice people usually have those qualities

- If the don't want to talk to someone, I ask them what they didn't like about that person and whether bad guys/yucky people/etc. are usually like that

- I do random pop quizzes and say "Okay, if you couldn't find me right now, who should you ask for help? Look around the room and pick out who you would ask." (answer: A Mommy)

I think that kids should be taught to recognize and trust their own red flags, and told that they are right to reject unwanted attention from people who make them uncomfortable, right from the get go. As they get older and have more language skills, it's easier to explain that people sometimes pretend to be different than they are and to look for clues. If something doesn't add up, don't talk to them. And if you are freaked, always ask someone you trust for help.

That is a horrible story. I can't believe the other girl's parents would be involved in something like that. Crazy.
I read a good book a while back called "Protecting the gift".. it's not about the internet per se but just about following hunches and keeping kids safe. I should re-read it now that K is getting older.