Bitch

I've tried now three times to write something for Julie's Hmm topic for the week: assertiveness, girls, and gendered expectations. Don't I have a thousand things to say about it? Yes, unfortunately, it's all a big muddle.

I turned to the dictionary for clarification:

as·ser·tive –adjective 1. confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic: He is too assertive as a salesman. 2. having a distinctive or pronounced taste or aroma.

No help there. Isn't assertive supposed to be good? Isn't aggressive supposed to be bad? Aren't we supposed to be walking the fine line between them? Do I want to have a distinctive or pronounced taste or aroma?

ag·gres·sive adj. Characterized by aggression: aggressive behavior. Inclined to behave in an actively hostile fashion: an aggressive regime. Assertive, bold, and energetic: an aggressive sales campaign. Of or relating to an investment or approach to investing that seeks above-average returns by taking above-average risks. Fast growing; tending to spread quickly and invade: an aggressive tumor. Characterized by or inclined toward vigorous or intensive medical treatment: an aggressive approach to treating the infection. Intense or harsh, as in color.

No, this just isn't helping at all. So aggressive is hostile? Or bold and energetic? Or vigorous? Is it possible that aggression is getting a bad rap here--that it's not all bad or all good anymore than conciliation is?

Is it possible to be assertive without being aggressive? Is it possible to be assertive in such a way that no one could ever perceive you as being aggressive? Is that why, once upon a time, someone who cares about me a great deal pleaded with me before we went to a social gathering together, "Just please say something and act normal, I know you can, when you sit there and don't say anything and stare at the floor you come off like a bitch."

Let's ask Psychology Today, that bastion of forward thinking on gender roles:

"The real first step toward assertiveness is self-confidence. You develop self-confidence only one way—through the experience of effectiveness in the world. You have to rack up some successes all your own, in specific domains of experience."

All right, but how do girls do this? Doesn't that depend on living in a social environment where girls are expected to succeed and not punished for doing so? No, no help there. Let's try this: Management Issues.

"A huge difference can exist between claiming a right and being actively hostile."

Really? Doesn't that depend on whether or not observers agree that it is a right you are asserting, not a privilege? Isn't the ground between what is considered a man's right or a woman's right still highly contested, where a man's right is often a privilege for a woman and hardly ever the other way around? What public woman has the right to be unattractive and not care about it? What woman has the right not to apologize for being obviously more intelligent than the men around her? What woman has the right to be as sexual as we assume men are? What woman has the right to assert her own sexuality over what her sexuality has been culturally defined as--as it relates to the desires and fantasies of men? What woman has the right not to consider herself first and foremost in a service capacity? I don't know about you, but most days I don't even feel I have the right not to smile in a public place (as I am sometimes reminded by passing men who greet my not-unhappy face with "whatever it is, it can't be that bad").

If you believe you are asserting a human right and the person you are asserting it to does not believe that you are entitled to that right, won't they perceive the act as hostile? How exactly are you supposed to control that? Is there any way, in that situation, not to be perceived as hostile that doesn't amount to acceding your human rights?

Is that why, when I was younger and I couldn't cross two street corners in a skirt without someone propositioning me, my honest and immediate responses ("No") were met with hostility, anger and incredulity? ("No, really, I want to fuck you sometime. When are you at home alone?")

Is that why when I was younger and I would go out all hours of the night to walk deserted bikepaths to calm my mind down on my own, the response I would get from other people was rarely fear or concern for my safety, and more often, again, hostility and incredulity?

"Aggressive conduct: Glares or stares at others Assertive conduct: Makes friendly, considerate eye contact"

But how can I possibly control how my eye contact will be perceived? Is this why so many women go around with those idiot grins plastered on their faces all the time?

"Aggressive conduct: Values one's self more than others Assertive conduct: Values self as an equal to others"

Does this mean I need to preface my assertive statements with "I value myself as an equal to you"? Wouldn't that sound kind of funny?

I remember a study where highschool teachers were instructed to call on boy and girl students equally in class that day--time interactions and the number of interactions to achieve this. There was an insurrection in those classes because the male students accused the teachers of favouring the girls--imagine--girls getting precisely their fair share was perceived by the boys as girls getting favoured treatment!

Is it even possible for a woman to claim her fair share without being perceived as trying to claim more than her fair share? Don't just jump and say yes. Really think about this. If mathematically precise equal interactions in a classroom are perceived as being biased in girls' favour, how do you really think a woman who is being "assertive" as in "valuing herself equally with others" will be perceived by those around her, especially men? My guess is that she will be perceived as someone who "values herself more than others," or aggressive.

Is this why a boy once told me, "I don't think I could date a girl smarter than me"?

The problem with contrasting aggression and assertiveness is that in the great grey muddle between the extremes, it is all too easy to view any particular action either way. When I went out dancing that night in Quebec after the boy I'd been dating there was kicked out for speaking too much English, and I danced close to that cute guy who had a crush on my friend but she didn't like him back so it was ok--and I was hoping he'd ask me home, because it was summer and home was far away and I was enjoying myself--and he did--was I being assertive, aggressive, or neither? Doesn't that depend on what your sexual morals are, specifically your beliefs about moral female sexuality? Doesn't that depend on what you think girls are supposed to want?

Enough of that. Let's ask the experts:

J Pers Soc Psychol. 2001 Jul;81(1):133-45. Changes in women's assertiveness in response to status and roles: a cross-temporal meta-analysis, 1931-1993. Twenge JM.

Across two meta-analyses, American women's assertiveness rose and fell with their social status from 1931 to 1993. College women and high school girls' self-reports on assertiveness and dominance scales increased from 1931 to 1945, decreased from 1946 to 1967, and increased from 1968 to 1993, explaining about 14% of the variance in the trait. Women's scores have increased enough that many recent samples show no sex differences in assertiveness. Correlations with social indicators (e.g., women's educational attainment, women's median age at first marriage) confirm that women's assertiveness varies with their status and roles. Social change is thus internalized in the form of a personality trait. Men's scores do not demonstrate a significant birth cohort effect overall. The results suggest that the changing sociocultural environment for women affected their personalities, most likely beginning in childhood.

That's good news. That also blows a nice big hole in all the "testosterone" theories of the innate differences between men and women. Put women in a social context where they believe they have a reasonable chance at success and, hey presto, they'll develop an innately assertive personality just as well as boys do.

Mind you, this specifically does not state that their assertiveness gets them anywhere.

This book preview was great, and then it cut off just when it was getting to the good stuff:

"In support of these predictions, several studies have shown that when women in mixed-sex groups present their ideas in an assertive or self-directed style, they are disliked or perceived as untrustworthy and achieve less influence over men...."

Don't you wish you knew what came next? Still, that snippet is good on its own. Page 648, if you're scrolling through. What do you want to bet that if those men were asked why they disliked the assertive women, they'd say it was because they were too aggressive?

Women and Salary Negotiation: The Costs of Self-Advocacy

Mary E. Wade
Manhattan College

Abstract

Introducing the concepts of self- and other-advocacy should prove useful as a means of understanding the different contexts in which women and men can effectively and comfortably exert power and influence when making requests. In this conceptual paper, social psychological research is reviewed demonstrating that women can advocate effectively on behalf of others without incurring costs, but gender-linked stereotypes, roles, and norms constrain them from advocating as freely and effectively for themselves. It is argued that women do not frequently make requests for themselves, because they have learned that they may ultimately lose more than they gain. This gendered difference has implications for ongoing pay and promotion inequities.

No wonder it's so much easier for a woman to advocate for her kids than for herself.

There's a lot more, and it's all pretty depressing. Let's leave the experts alone.

I don't know about you, but I still don't know what assertiveness is exactly, or how it differs from aggressiveness in any sphere but that of physical violence. I still don't know how I can behave so that anyone will perceive that I am being assertive, and not aggressive, regardless of whether they are religious fundamentalists who think I ought to stay in the home or female athletes with a shelf full of trophies or hormonally-adled boys who have been brought up on visions of women based mostly on MTV and Maxim or doctors who think patients who consult the internet are being uppity.

You know what? I can't.

There is no formula for behaviour that will be viewed as assertive and not-aggressive in all situations and by all people. If I act from what I believe is a healthy interest in protecting my own innate human rights, someone will inevitably believe that I am asking for too much and getting above myself. What is seen by one as a polite and firm voice will be seen by someone else as cold; what is seen by one as a warm and friendly voice will be seen by someone else as overly emotional and inappropriate. I can't dance around stereotypes of female behaviour for the rest of my life, of what I am supposed to want and have and how I am supposed to go after it. I'm not even going to try.

You can call me a bitch if you want to.

Posted by Andrea at February 27, 2008 1:38 PM under Female Trouble

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