Being realistic with oneself hurts like a bitch, eh? I know partially of what you feel. That "never". I too have to accept that same "never". Somedays it hurts very much and others I try not to think of it. I dream of what being a parent is like to a typical developing child. This is the very reason I surround myself with the typical children of others. It's my one chance in life to see healthy children develop into wonderful people. (It's not that I don't see Aaron as a person, it's that he will always be disabled.)

Andrea,
I can relate to a lot of this post. My first pregnancy bounced me from major crisis to major crisis and ended in an emergency induction. Golly, I'm sure I had 18 ultrasounds with Miss M (no exaggeration) and the perinatologist was always looking at me grimly for one reason or another. Miss M's first weeks were spotty too what with her weight being a big issue and CF being suspected. BUT, with every crisis that arose I was given "normalcy" in it's aftermath which, of course, makes my memory of it all much more sugar-coated than yours would be. With hindsight, I'm convinced that my thyroid stopped functioning normally at the beginning of my third trimester. Reading the literature now, it all adds up.

When I got pregnant again this winter, I went into the experience with dread b/c I knew, just knew, what pregnancy would be like at 42 and with a pre-existing metabolic condition. Thus the relief and the overwhelming guilt about it when the miscarriage came.

The majority of what you talk about here is beyond my comprehension, though. I can only catch glimpses of how my body has betrayed my notions of what life might have to offer, of what it seems to offer others so unproblematically. I'm glad you wrote it out because it is worth looking at and honouring.

It is so hard to deal with never. I also think that to a certain extent we all have some aspect of childbearing-birth-rearing that we expected or hoped for and didn't get. It took me a long time to realize that the second child (and the first child) I thought I wanted was actually me. I come from an abusive home. I kept having visions of a little brown haired girl that I could take care of, that I could parent, love, support, you know all of the good stuff. It is hard to accept.

I'm sorry that you are having to face up to this. It is painful.

This post is so breath-takingly honest. I will not degrade that honesty by sugar-coating things, but rather say you are amazing for speaking these truths.

I relate to this a lot for reasons that are a little different than yours. It's so hard.

(((Andrea)))

This was a great post, Andrea. Truly amazing.

I know it's not even remotely the same thing, but I feel a tinge of that grief over my oldest daughter. I will always worry, always wonder what if she didn't have diabetes, what if it didn't take so bloody long to get a diagnosis? Would she still have learning disabilities? Would I still obsess over every. little. illness? And then the worry over whether my other children will develop it, worrying over every day of "Water, mama, more water," and every night of soaked diapers and it makes me a little sad that I never have that worry too far from the front of my brain.

While your post is very realistic, I can't help but inwardly protest as I read it. Perhaps that is because I come from a family of late childbearing women - an aunt didn't even begin her family of four healthy kids until 40. I was 34 when I had Aysha, and 36 when I had Cohen. Perhaps I don't fully understand how diabetes impacts the chances of becoming pregnant, but part of me would like you to keep yourself open to the possibility of finding love and baby number two again.

Your post was very touching.
I can relate but in a different way.
Glad you wrote it.

Thanks, Karla--and I do know what you're saying. It's not that diabetes affects fertility directly, but because my experience has been of my body not working, I don't expect to be fertile until I'm 40. I could be wrong, and that would be nice, but I'm not going to count on it. Any more than you would count on living to 100 and writing that novel or travelling to Egypt when you're 93.

Major Bedhead, I think it's very much like that, actually.

craftydabbler, I think you're right, we all deal with tihs to some extent.

Mad, your posts about your miscarriage are a big part of why I wrote this, so thanks.

((Laura))

Can I say me too (on a small scale)? For me, it was not breast-feeding. I pumped, sure, but MM didn't ever want to breast feed (face in!? The HORROR!!)

I would really really love to have another chance at that and it's not going to happen. I'm sending hugs and hugs and hugs to you and to Laura and to Bedhead and Craftydabbler and...

(((Andrea)))

As my first marriage fell apart, I was dreaming of Baby #2 even though I knew he was the wrong person to have another child with. After the divorce, I thought I might only have Kid L which would have been super but I still longed for another baby.

Now, we are both longing for #4 but have no place aside from a closet to put a baby.

A lurker come out of hiding as this post resonated so much with me... As the mom of a deaf 3 year old (diagnosed at 2 weeks) I was lucky to have an easy pregnancy but the losses you talk of are certainly there. And over 2 years of trying for #2 (who would have a 25% chance of being deaf as well) and at 38 now with other factors in play as well, I am thinking that that Dream Baby is unlikely to happen. Most of the time life is so good with my beloved DS but then grief and sadness rear their heads at both expected and unexpected times...

Thank you, Helly--and it's nice to meet you. :)

I feel for ya. Having lost my first, the fear of never being able to have a second is palpable.

Don't lose hope.

My mom was 43 when I was born. By that time several of her friends had already become grandmothers. Her one and only pregnancy was a surprise. She had been told she was physically incapable of conceiving.
My mom saw me graduate from high school, college and law school. She was the world's most enthusiastic grandmother when my son was born.
Like me, my son is a one and only. I never felt the need for having another child. My husband, who has two siblings, is fine with this.
When it comes to families, it's quality, rather than quantity, that's important.

Your post actually brought tears to my eyes. My daughter is also small (15 months and 25 1/4 inches long) and the doctor's have no idea why.

It took us 4 years to get pregnant and that had it's own ups and downs and we were over the moon to be pregnant. My pregnancy was full of ultrasounds and non-stress tests and grim looks. Her birth was followed by more doctor's and more grim looks - with no answer and I don't think there is one. I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible and while I wouldn't change anything about her, I secretly wish I didn't know so much about growth charts, etc.

We are trying for #2 and will probably have to see a fertility specialist again and a genetic counselor. My pregnancy will most likely be monitored very closely as a result of my first and it makes me sad. I also feel guilty about feeling this way.

Thank you for expressing so well what I was feeling.

Sandra