You know, my own mother was told by her mother, quite authoritatively, that she was determined to have a job and not just be a stay-home wife, then she would have to go to secretary school, because that was the only job a woman could have. Thankfully, she went to teacher's college instead, and with the exception of my childhood years was a Grade 3 teacher right up 'til her recent retirement.

I never realized how few people could actually sling a few words together till they started paying me to do it for them. I always thought writers became waitresses, too.

If you want to be a writer, it's not too late. You can still do it. You want to get published? Start writing poems and part of a book every night. My mom never planned on it, but she started writing poetry, and now she's a published poet who has won contests with her poetry. Go at it!

I remember the value-based statement that brought my head out of the clouds (I, too, wanted to write for a living) - my father asked, "When are you gonna quit messin' with that nonsense?" He, being a well read individual who had surveyed my work, clearly knew (in my mind at least) I was wasting my time. It took a lot of energy to write much of anything else after that, and I still put down the pen, so to speak. At this stage in my life, I definitely wonder what I might have done with my life without such value statements in the back of my mind.

There are plenty of fields of employment where "making it big" isn't a guarantee (speculative real estate, for example), but parents seldom seem to dump on these as reflexively as they do on the creative arts. I think the idea that writers and artists make NO money, NONE AT ALL, except in rare cases where they are "lucky" or have a fairy godmother, is something irrationally hard-wired into our culture, and it makes me crazy.

I have this young friend who used to sometimes hang out with our creative-artsy crowd back when he was still in his teens. I remember one particular car-ride conversation, just as he was graduating high school, where he was visibly torn between what he clearly wanted to do with his life and what his parents had told him he "obviously" couldn't do. He just kept repeating over and over, "...but I CAN'T make a living as an artist," and we kept saying, "But M., why not?" ...until finally an hour of this he sighed and went, "Oh. Okay then." That troubled young man then enrolled in the Sheridan Animation Program, and for the last half a decade he's been running an animation studio on the east coast and now owns his own house in the country. He's not as rich as Bill Cosby, he's just comfortable. Now... was he only "lucky?"

I sometimes wonder if the "luck" associated with making a living creatively isn't so much about "breaking in" as it is about not not having well-meaning people crush your dreams before you've had a chance to realize them.

I always wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, and my parents would say, "Why don't you become a writer instead?" Now that's some kind of crazy.

I ended up as none of the above.

But I don't know why it's too late for you to be a writer, either. It's not like being a chef, where once you hit 40, you're just too old for the stressful life. Or like being a pro athlete.

And anyway, who says you aren't already a writer? I think you just might be.

(see how I am choosing to ignore the much more difficult question of how your wise point applies to my own parenting?)

I wonder too if it isn't because everyone already knows that artists are "special"--geniuses, amazingly talented, existing on another plane, or however you want to define it--and since the people close to us already know that we're not "special", we can't be artists. And therefore must fail. And be poor.

Ellie, I'm working on it. :) Thanks.

Lawrence Block has never had a non-writing job. Granted, he started out his career writing porn, but he's gone way beyond that now.

Here's my suggestion: for the next six months, save up as much money as you can (live like you haven't got a job!) then take 6 months to a year off and write. And write. And write.

See what happens.

It's also funny that Writer always seems to start with a capital W and mean published. I work as a writer (lower case). No fame or anything, but lots of satisfaction in getting to work with words and share my many, many opinions on the right words for the tasks that come my way. Heck, I even have some job security.

I don't know... I think the majority of people in our culture think of artists as not so much "special" as either lazy or favoured by the gods, or both. So many of the comments I've received over the years (usually from relative strangers)about being an artist seem to fall into one of 2 categories.

1. "Oh, you can write/draw, you're so LUCKY! You can write your own ticket."
2. "That's great, as long as you understand that it's a HOBBY, not a real job."

Both comments, the positive and the negative, seem to stem from the assumption (either conscious or subliminal) that (A) creativity isn't really work, and that (B) being TALENTED at your craft isn't something you have to work at either, it's just something that comes effortlessly. (All those tortured writers banging their heads against their desks looking for le bon mot are just being artsy-fartsy, why don't they just produce???)

Given the prevalence of these assumptions, it shouldn't surprise one that a lot of people's first instinct is to click their tongues, and react as if you just said, "I wanna play with my Fisher Price toys for the rest of my life, and get paid for THAT!"

My mom said the same things to me. The difference between my mom and your mom is that my mom said it in a constructive way, as a serious point I ought to consider, something like this: If you try to write, you will probably end up working as a waitress to pay the bills. Because most writers don't get paid very much. So you are free to become a writer, but you should realize that if do, you'll most likely be poor. That's fine, of course. Just be sure you go into it with your eyes wide open...

Both my sisters' husbands are artists. One paints on canvas, one is an illustrator. My mom worries about them all. the. time. She doesn't try to stop them, but she worries about them. I wonder sometimes what kind of pressure that puts on them.

BTW the other value judgment in there says that waitresses are something to be despised or pitied. That's a pretty awful thing to tell your kid, too.

I keep thinking about this post... The difference between what your mom said & what my mom said is, I think, that your mom was dismissing your ambition, while my mom was tempering mine. My mom cautioned me about moving to Latvia, too, and about buying my first house, and about moving in with my husband before the wedding. Her concerns made me hesitate, but I strode forward anyway. I would hope that any worry I throw my children's way acts the same way -- as a brake but not an anchor.

Okay in no particular order:

1. How are diabetes and waitressing related? Diabetes would restrict you from adequate writing and thus you would end up waitressing?

2. Mindset: It's like athletes, right? How can you possibly justify having a "job" that is something other people do for free and for fun? Anyway that's not real work. Plus jobs are supposed to be hard. Not to mention, writing is not a real skill since EVERYONE can write. (I STG, these are all things people have said out loud to me. My in-laws send me job postings, for real. Still. I mean, 17 years ago, okay, but I have been self-supporting now for a long time.)

3. How are you not a writer, exactly?

4. So true that we often simply accept and absorb the things our parents tell us, many of which are things they simply accepted and absorbed. How amazing to be in a moment where you become mindful of this, you know? You = general you.

5. I think the fair thing---the real thing---parents can mean (other parents, not per se my dad, for example, who really meant the under the bridge comment, or my in-laws, who really think the only real jobs are done at desks in cubicles at offices, with managers, who you see every day, and you have to wear a tie---although they are proud of me for doing my little writing thing so well, that blog is just adorable) is "What's your plan and will you ever go hungry and did I teach you well enough how to wash your clothes?" which means it is 66% about US (the parent) and 33% about THEM (the kid). But that's the approach I plan to take with my kids: think it through, have a plan, and then you know...live life.

6. Oh your assessment of the value judgment is spot on.

Oy, woman! This was fabulous! I think you have hit our generational nail right on the head, in terms of what we were told women could be.

I feel like we owe it to our mothers to at least try to follow one personal dream, and whether you COULD have been a writer or not - I think you ARE right now.

I loved reading this!

I think you are a writer.

I once was set to leave a lucrative industry to pursue my dreams, and was advised to seek the advice of a literary luminary who worked there.

"What do you do?" he asked.
"Write."
"What do you write?"
"Poetry and short stories." I replied.
"Forget poetry, no-one buys poetry. Short stories are also unsaleable - take one of your stories, make it 150,000 - 200,000 words of less than three syllables and never give up your day job." said the luminary.

Needless to say, I didn't heed his advice. I never sold a huge amount of poetry books - but I got a buzz from what I wanted to do with it, which was perform.

Its not my bread and butter, but part of who I am and what I enjoy doing.

I am sorry that your mum took the wind out of your sails - but there is NOTHING wrong with being a waitress (or a cleaner or a public servant or a teacher) while enjoying what you do with your dreams.

I can't believe how much we all heard the same things from our parents. It was pretty crushing at the time. I can only hope that I don't do the same to my guys.

And yes, you are so a writer. Your posts are always so well written and enjoyable.

I'm surrounded by writers and they're no shit. Same as everyone else with a caramel streak of talent. I could even mention one Governor-General's award winner that I've work closely with that I would describe as a useless bag of flesh.

You have talent, Andrea. We can all see that. You are still young. Now, I guess, the rest lies with you. I believe you can and will do it.

It's a really interesting question -- what constitutes being a writer, or an artist, and how we define "success" in any of those areas, for ourselves or for our children.

I am very lucky to have grown up in a family where being a writer was considered a completely valid thing to do (a lot of printers, publishers, published writers, and people with English MA's in our crew). It's interesting as I look back over my own life that there has never been a time when I supported myself primarily by my writing income, but I have always defined myself primarily as a writer -- including when I have been a student, a teacher, or a stay-at-home mom.

"Writer" to me, is about who you are and how you define yourself, not where your paycheque comes from. To me your mom's statement makes no sense because if you did decide to dedicate yourself primarily to writing and had to take a waitressing job to pay the bills, how would that make you NOT a writer? You're still a writer; waitressing is a thing you do. And I would say that you're a writer now -- the interesting question is whether and why (or why not) you choose to own the label "I am a writer."

I guess part of what I'm saying is that I don't fully understand why the label "writer" is so loaded for some people, why it's attached to publication or to making your primary income from writing. If you write, you're a writer (IMNSHO).

As for trying to make your income primarily from writing, sure, that's riskier than lots of other career paths, but there's the potential for success there. Both my kids love to write (and draw, and make music, etc) and if they showed an interest in pursuing an arts-based career as their main source of income, I'd be realistic with them about the risks and challenges -- I think telling a kid, "You can do ANYTHING!!" with starry-eyed idealism is unrealistic and unfair -- but I'd also tell them to give it a shot if that was what they really wanted. The fact is that most people whose primary occupation is writing, or art, or music, or theatre, have spent a certain amount of time waitressing or working in retail or some other low-paying job to cover the bills. And lots of people in more "professional" careers (particularly teachers!) are doing the things they love "on the side" and complaining about not having enough time to write/paint/perform -- but that's the trade-off they (we) have chosen to make in return for a more secure and comfortable lifestyle. And lots of full-time writers spend the majority of their time doing freelance jobs that are FAR more dull and stultifying than waitressing, and still have to fit their creative work into the cracks and spaces in between. There are a million ways to be a writer. If you think "a writer" is who you really are, own it, and work out the details of what that means to you as you go along.

Sorry for the long comment which is probably a blog in itself -- as you can imagine this is something I think about a lot.

Trudy, that is true. And the question of self-definition is a good one: you're right, I don't define myself as a 'writer' because that's not what's on my business card or paystub. But it's not like there's a professional licensing organization.

I think that people are hesitant to claim the title often because it's a culturally loaded term with a lot of significance for a lot of people, and the marker for much of the public for legitimately claiming to be a writer is market success (you know you're good at it if people are paying you for it)--which is where the sales/publication factor comes in.

Thanks, Mad. :)

jeanie, good for you. That takes courage.

Julie--lol. No, waitressing isn't well-paid enough to support the expensive diabetic lifestyle. And therefore I would die of diabetes because I didn't have the money to take care of it properly. IT's a real issue in Ontario, type 1 for people of working age is not government-supported at all, despite Canada's Socialized Health Insurance whatever. Diabetes is expensive. 2. Good lord. 3. Ummm.... 4. & 5. Yes. 6. Thanks!

Jennifer--good points. But I think it's also fair to remember that your Mom was WRONG about all the other stuff she cautioned you about, so maybe she was wrong about writing, too.

toasterboy (cute handle)--I guess when I was thinking about "special" I was thinking about the opinions of the majority of people towards the artists they consider to be legitimate, which in general means well-known and well-paid, aka Margaret Atwood, Stephen Spielberg, Celine Dione, etc.--the superstars, who aren't and can't be just regular people with talent. If they weren't considered to be special (different, better, set apart in some way) no one would be able to justify the sheer amount of attention paid to them as people and celebrities. Which then means that anyone who knows you as a regular person with talent knows you can't be a 'real artist' (Atwood, Spielberg, Dione). They knew you when you picked your nose! How could you possibly be a real artist?

Artists they don't know, people without name recognition and substantial remuneration, aren't 'real artists' but dilettantes which is where the lazy, not-a-real-job stuff comes in. I think. See, if you don't get paid a million dollars a year for it, if it's not hanging in the Louvre or on the bestseller's list, then you aren't special and you're fooling yourself and you're not really an artist.

That talent should come effortlessly is another side of the same coin--if you have to work at it, you're not really an artist, because real artists are geniuses and don't have to work at it, it's easy for them, that's what makes them special.

Liz, the money's not hte problem right now. Anyway, I'll have more to say about that in June, hopefully.

Thanks, Gwen. :)

For what it's worth, I like your writing. This is my first time visiting-I linked through sweet-salty kate. I love the picture of your princess jumping hopscotch-so cute! Valerie

my mother had the same perspective on both writing and acting, the two things which interested me back in the day. they terrified her.

and so i never did much with either. and you're right...i need to untie my own ankles. and forgive.

So why are you all "I could have been?" What's stopping you now? Go, woman, go!

We're all rooting for you.

--Dayna, who is usually too shy to comment, but who just HAD to say something!

Thanks. :)

24 comments! I think that make it unanimous, eh? ;)