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June 19, 2008 A funny thing happened on my way to a relationship 
I'm trying to remember how many first dates I had between last August and now. I think ten. I'm not entirely sure. When you approach possible dates as "is this someone I might enjoy talking to over a cup of tea?" instead of "is this someone I can see myself buying a house with in two years?" it not only takes a lot of the pressure off, it also expands one's options. Someone you're almost positive is not long-term material could still be a lot of fun for an afternoon date. Most never got beyond the first date. There was the Slacker, for instance, so nicknamed because he was perfectly content to do absolutely nothing with his life--nothing he wanted to learn or accomplish or even fill up his saturdays with beyond video games. Nice guy. Only a year younger than I am, but it felt more like ten. I'm sure he found my preferred lifestyle puzzling and off-putting too. Ten first dates (and a couple of seconds or thirds) in a relatively short period of time was a very effective crash course in Andrea's Dysfunctional Relationship Skills. I'll spare you the in-class sessions and share my notes: Class 1: Right-Wing Platitude Boy. Conclusion: Andrea finds it hard to respect people who can't think. Oh good! A learning experience! That's healthy. Class 2: The Slacker. Conclusion: Andrea likes people with ambition. Still good. We're doing well. Ambition is good. Class 3: A. First Date went well, second date went well, third date seemed to go well but was followed by revised online dating profile including several traits he knows Andrea does not have, i.e. sports enthusiast and TV fan. Andrea was fine with casual dating until perceived rejection, at which point interest was piqued. Conclusion: Andrea really likes people who reject her. Uh oh. That's not good at all. Class 4: B. First date went well. Second date somewhat alarming. Banker shows tendencies towards very poor stress management and possibly occasional violence. Andrea refuses to see him again but finds it very, very difficult as he somehow manages to attract her. Conclusion: Andrea is strongly drawn towards people who show high potential for future abuse. Well, crap. That's just awful. Class Five: G. Spent first date being mostly silent while date tried to draw her out. She laughed almost the entire time anyway and barely made it home before the babysitter's time was up. Spent the next few days in a pointless anxiety wondering Where This Could Possibly be Going. Conclusion: Andrea prefers not to enjoy herself. Hey! Class Six: Second date with G. Terrible movie. G and Andrea spend the entire movie giggling over its awfulness and pointing out the many artistic sins committed during its production, then several hours afterwards in a bookstore coffee shop talking about nothing and everything. She laughs almost the whole time again. Once again, stricken by pointless anxiety afterwards. Something does not feel right. Conclusion: Andrea is thick. Oh come on, that's not fair. Class Seven: Another date, inadvertently crashes a man's 50th birthday party to comedic effect. Another date, brings over a very good movie that they both enjoy. Sense of pointless anxiety continues. Andrea ruminates with friends. What is it? What feels so wrong? Do they have too much in common? Is it the chemistry? He's kind, he's smart, we have so much fun together, he's a good writer, there's chemistry but it just feels wrong. Says friend, can you articulate to yourself what the problem is? Says Andrea--(blank space). Thinking about this a few days later, comes to the conclusion that what felt wrong was that he was treating her well. She was not being rejected and there was no visible potential for future drama or problems. Andrea is dumbstruck. Conclusion: Andrea shows some potential for learning from life experiences. Well--ok. I see your point. It did take a while, though. Going all the way back to the beginning of my dating career, it took several boyfriends, two husbands and a disastrous post-separation pseudo-relationship for me to figure out that I kept going out and finding boys and men who would treat me badly. I was completely oblivious to it until very recently. At which point I had a visit from Epiphany. Epiphany: Oh my god! I was going to stop seeing him because he's nice to me! Reason: Well, that's stupid. Epiphany: You're right! It's stupid! (pause) I should KEEP seeing him because he's nice to me! Reason: That is what a smart person would do. Epiphany: Yes. Right. I'm glad we had this talk. Which led to .... Class Eight: Another movie date at Andrea's house. Long conversation after the movie. Andrea asks teasingly, So what is your plan, anyway? Well, G replies, my plan is to be very very nice to you and make you fall madly in love with me. Says Andrea, I think it's going to work. I'd like to say all those cobwebs have been dusted out, but there is a part of my brain that concludes that anyone who is being nice to me just hasn't figured me out yet. I'll be sitting at the kitchen table and he'll get up to get something from the fridge and I will be momentarily stricken with panic, as if literal skeletons made of old coleslaw and leftovers are going to leap at him from the metaphorical closet of the refrigerator. Don't open the fridge! There's a ... never mind. What was I thinking? I was thinking that there must be something about me he doesn't know yet, something awful that would stop him from treating me well, and that something is apparently hiding in the vegetable crisper. None of it makes sense, including the Salad Monster. I know. I'm looking forward to finding out what a relationship is like when the other person and I don't embark on it with mutual agreement about my many deep-seated flaws and the efforts I am going to have to make to address them. Anyway: Blog, meet Greg. Greg, meet Blog. Conclusion: Greg's nefarious scheme worked. What will our heroine do? Stay tuned.... Posted by Andrea at June 19, 2008 7:20 AM under Friends and Others EMAIL this entry (comments fields are below this section) Comments Andrea's in loooove! Andrea's in looove!! Hi Greg! Posted by: LauraJ at June 19, 2008 7:29 AM
Hi Greg. Thanks for treating Andrea well! Andrea - I understand the anxiety. I too used to date only boys that were wrong for me. And when I met Mike and realized he was actually a nice boy and treated me well, I panicked. I didn't think I deserved to be treated well. I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let me. I finally had a similar epiphany. I'm so glad you've found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, not the way you think that you do. Posted by: suze at June 19, 2008 7:32 AM
Hi Greg! Aren't you the lucky one? Getting to hang out with the lovely and talented Andrea!
Posted by: Chris (Mombie) at June 19, 2008 8:30 AM
Nice to meet you, Greg (TBFKASA, in the tradition Andrea's penchant for such things)(The Boyfriend Formerly Known as Starving Artist). And Andrea, I think I remember having a similar epiphany (also slow to penetrate my thick skull) when I met Steve, and couldn't figure out what needed "fixing" about him. No bad temper, no meddling mother, nothing. Turns out there was nothing to fix, and I was flabbergasted that there were men out there who are fine just as they are. Posted by: Marla at June 19, 2008 8:35 AM
andrea and greg, sitting in a tree. talking about the economy first comes amusement then comes trust don't make me end this poem with the word lust wheee!!! *giggle* Can't wait to meet him in person, glad he is such a good fit and treats you well! You deserve it!!!!! See you in LESS THAN A WEEK!!! AHHHH!!!!! Posted by: rachel at June 19, 2008 9:03 AM
Everyone: Thanks! Hello back! Chris: I couldn't agree more. Spending time with the Amazing Andrea is just... awe-inspiringly, mind-numbingly good. And it really isn't that HARD treating her nice! I simply can't fathom why anyone wouldn't want to... Rachel: Look forward to meeting you, too! Andrea: Sigh. Sweetie, I love you madly. But you already know that, don't you? Posted by: theboyfriend, a.k.a. Greg at June 19, 2008 10:10 AM
Hi Greg, We're watching you, man. Make us proud. Posted by: jen at June 19, 2008 10:20 AM
So I think I'm just going to go hang out in another dimension until I stop blushing. Rachel--less than a week! I can't wait. Posted by: Andrea
Awesome! He's one lucky guy. Posted by: arline at June 19, 2008 11:55 AM
I loved this. I'm so happy for you! Posted by: Mary at June 19, 2008 11:57 AM
i'm stepping out of lurkdom because this one really got me. i think, perhaps, that this might be the most important epiphany of all. because it carries over into absolutely everything else. to find someone who loves you for you...the real you...and to not think there is something wrong with him for doing so. isn't it nice to be with someone who doesn't have a list of things about you they wish to change? and isn't it amazing to finally realize you are amazing enough to deserve it? thank you for this. it made my morning. oh. and the salad monster TOTALLY makes sense. Posted by: krista at June 19, 2008 12:00 PM
Hee hee! Cheers from the Greg camp. We can offer the assurance of long-time friends that Greg worth having an epiphany for. Friends in the Greg-camp are big fans of Andrea camp for bring so much positive joy to our land. Let us celebrate with the adding of chocolate to milk! Posted by: Dilys at June 19, 2008 1:28 PM
...although I should add that, between the rusting suit of Battle Armour in the storage room, the Salad Monster in the fridge, and the Seven Lean Cows roaming upstairs, she has one of the more INTERESTING apartments of any women I've dated. Honey? What's with all these clods and pebbles on the floor...? Then again, I live in a Shoebox, so I'm one to talk. Posted by: theboyfriend, a.k.a. Greg at June 19, 2008 1:31 PM
Awww. Nice to meet you, Andrea! (First time reading your blog) Greg was right! Your story-telling is fantastic and you sound like a wonderful person! Greg is one of my all-time favorite people and I'm soooo glad you guys got to meet! Best wishes to both of you! Posted by: Mark at June 19, 2008 1:35 PM
Awwww cute post. I think its great you found someone that makes your heart skip a beat like that. Your just gushing over each other. Enjoy getting to know each other! Posted by: TT at June 19, 2008 1:39 PM
I'm quite pleased for you! Greg, we all have our eye on you. ;) Andrea, give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing these patterns. Many people go a lifetime without figuring it out. Self-examination is difficult and scary! Posted by: Dayna at June 19, 2008 3:17 PM
I'm really loving this story... Posted by: bea at June 19, 2008 8:46 PM
OMG and then there he is in comments, all cool and nice and sweet. Awwww. Fantastic. Posted by: Julie Pippert at June 19, 2008 9:27 PM
So happy for you... I remember feeling a little like that when I first started dating Jamie. At first I thought that there was no chemistry. Then, when I realized that there was chemistry, I tried to invent other reasons for our relationship not working. Finally, it dawned on me that the only real "problem" was that he was kind, sensitive, artistic, and all around wonderful - what if he were to figure out how flawed I was? It took awhile before I could allow myself to believe that I deserved to be with someone that wonderful. Keeping this relationship was one of the best decisions of my life. This summer will be the ninth year since we met, and our eighth year of marriage. It amazes me! Posted by: Karla at June 19, 2008 11:36 PM
What a great post ... add in the comments and it's even better! It's so nice that the boyfriend and his friends are a part of the discussion. It's wonderful that you are so happy. Posted by: Tory at June 20, 2008 9:24 AM
I don't think I've ever had so many "aww" comments on a post, ever. Umm, thanks. Greg--you're right, the apartment is a mess. What do you say I spend this evening tidying up? ... No? Posted by: Andrea
I read this yesterday (?) when there were hardly any comments. I am soooooo glad I came back. Hi Greg. We like Andrea too so be good to her 'kay? Posted by: Mad at June 20, 2008 8:40 PM
Hi Greg! I've been rooting for you for quite a while. Hooray for Epiphanies!!!! Posted by: Liz at June 20, 2008 9:15 PM
Late to the game again. But wanted to shout out a hearty "Hi Greg!" Let the good times roll! Posted by: Lee at June 21, 2008 10:08 AM
This is so awesome. Good job on you, Andrea, for changing bad habits! And good job on you, Greg, for being cool and finding such an awesome lady friend. Posted by: Abbey at June 22, 2008 12:46 AM
Good on you for realising the lessons and taking the chance! Posted by: jeanie at June 22, 2008 7:01 PM
wow. i don't think i have ever seen so many nice things written about my sibling. - and i haven't seen one comment yet he doesn't deserve - note i have the most time with him - beyond all the greg-camp, 34 years and counting and i'm still a fan. :) i love the story the most andrea, how you construct it is part of what makes it meaningful. what you describe is something everyone struggling for relationship is trying to understand - yet - for all the universality - it is still such an individual experience to go through - so powerful and strengthening. (and now i've read the blog - i know how to draw you out - just use greg tactics) Posted by: sibling at June 26, 2008 1:19 PM
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