When I first came across the MBTI, I mostly used it to analyze my ex-husband, and I came up with the idea that he was a blighted E, meaning that by nature he was an ESTP, but for a number of reasons he was living more like an introvert, and suffering accordingly. In some ways I think the letters describe how we function when we are most emotionally healthy. J is a great example of that - as a J I am happiest when I am organized and self-disciplined, but that does not mean I always AM that way. So as an INFJ, I will be happiest and healthiest when I am permitted a sufficient quantity of alone time, a healthy expression of emotion, the opportunity for abstract thinking, and the freedom to organize my life. I've expressed all those in terms of external circumstances, but I could as easily express it in terms of my own decision: I will be happiest when I allow myself sufficient alone time, take time for writing and abstract thought, acknowledge my emotions, and exercise enough self-discipline to feel good about myself.

In terms of upbringing, I've usually thought about our job as parents as guarding our children against the particular excesses associated with their particular personalities, but generally encouraging them to accept and value what they are. It's a difficult balance between working with and against the grain. If I had an SP child, for instance, I would need to work a bit harder than usual to develop empathy, but at the same time acknowledge the child's need for lots of activity and freedom. I expect there are plenty of SPs out there being rigorously trained to lead cautious, conventional lives, and while some may simply rebel, others are probably convinced to deny their nature.

I think there's a lot of probability to the idea that you are an INFJ by nature who became and INTJ in self-defence. My husband, as you know, is an INTJ, and he simply is not flooded with uncomfortable emotions. What makes him uncomfortable are situations where he is expected to produce emotions (and emotional expressions) on demand.

...as an NFJ (waffling between E and I rather dramatically), i feel you on the horror movies and the caterpillars. and interestingly, on the narrative processes analyzing and rationalizing feelings, though not the ones about the horror movies and the caterpillars. other people's (creatures'? zombies'?) pain i don't rationalize very well...i am more adept at my own. which i suppose is something many of us learn in childhood, even if we don't go all the way into Tness as a result.

I'm an INTP and I like adventure. I wrote about it on my own blog.

I don't like to take risks, though, if one outcome of the risk is failure. Sometimes the outcome is not success or failure -- I mean, it's not judged in those terms -- in which case I'm fine with risks. So for example I love to snowboard, because if I slam into a tree that's fine, it's only pain; but I don't like to go off jumps, because if people see me fall then they'll laugh at my failure.

Bea, it's true, so much of the fun of myers-brigg is analyzing other people. I'm convinced Erik is an ESFP. I'm also convinced the boyfriend is an INFJ, though he says he's an INTJ, because he comes across as an extrovert even though he's not. (We had this conversation last week.)

That's an intersting perspective, though, that the type is what we're like when we're living well, basically. I like that.

oh bon, I'm a horror at managing other people's pain. I'd much, much rather hurt myself than someone else.

Jennifer, I already said this on your blog, but your point about risk vs. failure is very apt. It's true. I don't consider failure a real cost, just another weakness I need to analyze out of myself before soldiering on with what I know I should do.

Yeah, those ESTP/ESFPs can be tricky. They're very adept at transforming themselves into whoever you want them to be (which makes them excellent at sales). I found it helpful to realize that this isn't really a deception - it's more that the whole point of a relationship is to get a chance to try being someone new. So that (combined with my narcissistic projection) explains why I thought the X and I were uncannily alike even though we were fundamentally almost completely dissimilar people.

It may be that I've taken the fear-of-failure thing further than most INTPs. Or rather, it may be my own personality quirk brought on by having very strong ENTJs (JUDGEMENTAL! OPINIONATED!) in the household when I was growing up.

In the description I saw on line, it's really more a fear of making the wrong decision -- a fear that I don't understand the context & therefore won't make the right decision. So my snowboarding analogy doesn't quite hold.

Oh god yes. I've known my share of (JUDGMENTAL! OPINIONATED!) ENTJs. Not that all ENTJs are JUDGMENTAL! or OPINIONATED!, but I have known some who are, and it is challenging.

Anyway. I think you know yourself better than the type describers, so I'd be more inclined to go with your assessment.

Well you've known me for years and years, and the oddity is that i was *always* an INFP.......till recently. I now test as an INFJ -> but barely barely barely expressed preference, I guess....1% more toward the *J* as opposed to the *P* side of things.

Oddly, the ex was an INTJ. I've read that two alignments are good....but I guess not so much. The boyfriend is on the phone at the moment, but when he gets off the phone I'm about to make him take the test, just to see what he is.

Funny, 'cause recently I've been thinking (though not in exactly these terms) the opposite -- that for at least some women who are naturally Ts, there's a lot of societal pressure to become more F-like.

Women are *supposed* to have lots of strong feelings and if you don't, you (by which I mean I) tend to feel like a freak and to spend a lot of time trying, sometimes successfully, to amplify your emotional responses.

Rachel-It doesn't surprise me that recent events would have you craving stability a bit more. And I think that whatever alignments are supposed to be good matches can only work when both of the people are healthy and know how to function within a relationship--which your ex definitely was not.

niobe, very true. I remember reading on an intj site faq the question, are there any differences between male and female intjs? And the answer was no, but women take a lot more flak for it.

a followup - the boyfriend is an ENFJ - very slight on the J as well. Extremely E. A good balance, I'm thinking. He's the outside to my inside, I guess. :)

I clicked over from Bub & Pie. I love this kind of discussion. I saw a scary movie on a double-date, and I think the way you sum up the impossible-to-enjoy-this feeling is very good. I still don't understand. And I'm the same about caterpillars---I had to skim your description.

"if a character embarasses themselves on a TV show I feel a need to get up and leave the room, the vicarious embarassment for a fake person feeling something fake in a fake situation that is meant to be funny is still too much."

I thought I was the only person who did that. :) Thank you.