Anti-Anniversary

(Now is when I meant to publish this. Apologies to those who saw it a few weeks back.)

It was a year ago that I moved out of the house with Erik and into my apartment. I have the same attitude towards that year that most of you do--where the hell did it go?--but also a strange sort of gratitude, that Frances and I have made it this far already and we seem to be doing ok.

Not perfect. OK. This, mind you, is more than good enough, considering how many days this past winter I sat down on the couch and cried, thinking, "I can't do this. Why did I think I could do this?"

As it turns out, I can. I just have to give up on frivolous goals like being well-rested. As it turns out, it's even good for me in some ways. I have 63,000 words written on my novel, a stack of acceptance letters for other writing projects (and a stack of rejections, which I'm proud of if only because it shows that I am working on it), a six-day-a-week working out habit, a freezer full of healthy leftovers for midweek suppers, a new career adventure I'm embarking on in two (ack!) weeks, a boyfriend and a relatively busy social calendar (for me). I try to figure out why none of this happened while I was married (with the exception of the boyfriend, which is self-explanatory) when I had more time, more rest and more help. I think it's because all of my personal goals were construed as selfish within the context of that relationship. As it turns out, being selfish feels pretty good. It's my favourite part of being single(ish--see boyfriend, above).

My least favourite part is the lack-of-sleep bit.

I wish I could say that Frances is as OK as I am. She is happy most of the time, but she misses her Daddy. She misses the old house and asks me sometimes if we will ever move back there. It breaks my heart to say no.

For so many reasons it was the right thing to do, including Frances's long-term best interests. I don't regret my decision, though I often regret that it was necessary. But here we are, a year in. So far so good. Here's hoping for better-and-better.

Posted by Andrea at August 15, 2008 9:11 AM under Single Momming

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