Frances's Take on Adult Relationships

All of the Experts agree that it is best to be honest about the status of your new relationship with your child relatively quickly, and as we all know, parenting Experts are never ever wrong. So, thinking to myself that Frances and Greg might be spending some more time together over the fall and winter, I decided to come clean with the WBPE, BN, and tell her that Greg is my boyfriend. "So ... what do you think about that?" I asked her.

Frances: I think it's great!

Andrea: You do? Oh!

Frances: Greg is nice. I like him.

Andrea: Awww, that's great.

Frances: Yeah. He's my friend, even when he's big.

Phew.

Of course nothing is ever over quickly and simply with young children, so the next morning over breakfast Frances says, "Greg has a girlfriend!"

Andrea: Yes he does.

Frances: You are Greg's girlfriend!

Andrea: That's true, I am.

Frances: Do you love him?

Andrea: [pause. How much information is too much information at four? Do I need to reassure her that I love her more? Ack!] Yes. Yes I do.

[silence]

Andrea: So ... how do you feel about this?

Frances: I think it makes you expensive.

Andrea: Expensive?

Frances: Yeah.

Andrea: Expensive!

Frances: Yeah.

[silence]

Andrea: Why does it make me expensive?

Frances: Because you love him.

Andrea: Oh.

It was right about there that I gave up. Frankly, I don't think such a conversation could go better at that age, and if a little bit of english had to get mangled in the process, I'm willing to pay that price.

Up until now Frances and Greg have not had much to do with each other. I see Greg when Frances is at her Dad's house, with one exception; they have only met each other twice and both times casually and briefly. The last thing I want to do is expose Frances to more potential loss. She still tells me that she misses the old house, her old daycare teacher, her best friend at that daycare, the little boy who lived next door, the frogs in the backyard. It's been a year. I thought, since I can't guarantee that a relationship I have will be permanent and that therefore I won't have to worry about her losing him, that I'd try something else.

"If we ever broke up, and if Frances wanted to, would you let her stay friends with you?"

"Of course!"

"OK."

"I've stayed friends with all my exes. I even became an honorary "uncle" to Little N, who I adore, almost a decade after her mom and I had dated."

"I know. But I have to ask, I can't just assume."

"I know. And if that ever happened I would tell her that myself. She's a great kid. Why wouldn't I want to still see her grow up?"

"Well, I know I think that way, and I'm not biased at all--but I have to be careful where Frances is concerned."

"I know you do. And the answer is yes, I've thought about this too. But it's not going to happen because, as I've said before, I'm keeping you."

Just over a week ago Greg came over and played Calico Critters with Frances while I made up spaghetti with homemade meatballs and tomato sauce (I even pureed the sauce so Frances wouldn't reject it for having 'plants' in it--aka basil--which has got to earn me a few SuperMom points). Then we played Sorry, as you've already read, and watched an episode of Walking With Dinosaurs on DVD, in which a mommy and daddy proto-mammal ate their own young to escape from a couple of mean miniature dinosaurs. Greg and I exchanged horrified glances over her head. "Isn't that nice!" said Frances. "The brother and sister are sharing!"

Big sigh of relief. Catastrophe averted. Successful day all around.

On another single mom blog I read, MsSingleMama, there was a troll who hung around for a day or two dispensing his invaluble wisdom for romance for the single mother, to wit: you are damaged goods, and if you expect to find love again, you'd better lower your expectations and be ready to be extra sweet, extra forgiving, extra generous to compensate for the innate burden of your children. His girlfriend is apparently a single mother who I suppose must have fallen for this line of horseshit. I happen to think that Frances is a pretty amazing person and anyone who gets to spend time around her is lucky, even if that cuts into spontaneous road trips and seeing new releases in the theatre. It's lovely to be with someone who feels the same way. And now I get to relax a little bit and let them get to know each other a little more.

Posted by Andrea at August 18, 2008 9:41 AM under Single Momming

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