Technically I think you can only call it a 'nightmare' if you're sleeping.

I thought you should all know that I'm absolutely terrified about going back to school.

I'm not terrified of being a student. I've never had any trouble with schoolwork. I think the lowest grade I ever got on anything was a B and I got through half of that Masters going to 65% of my classes and doing half the readings and still got straight As, so while I'm a little bit worried that my confidence in this regard is bordering on arrogance and my comeuppance may be coming, I'm not terrified of being a student.

I'm not terrified of the immediate impact on family life, since I expect Frances and I will have significantly more time together because my schedule will be so much more flexible. I am not, in the short term, terrified of being broke. I have savings. I'm not even terrified of wandering the hallways searching desperately for my classroom only to arrive and discover I forgot to get dressed that morning.

In other words, I'm not terrified of anything one might suppose I ought to be terrified of. No no. Instead, my terror has decided to reach far into my future and draw some surprising conclusions about the long-term ramifications of my choice.

For example, I consider it a foregone conclusion that I won't be able to get any paying, relevant work while I am a student, let alone any freelance work, thus depleting my savings. Especially considering the rising cost of gas and groceries. My budget won't hold.

Considering this near-certainty, I obviously won't be able to find work once I graduate, thus plummeting me into debt.

Once I do find a job, it won't pay enough for me to keep my current apartment, and I will have to move, uprooting Frances from a neighbourhood she will finally have come to think of as home, depriving her of her school and friendships and stability. Again.

Whereupon she will of course decide that she hates me for ruining her life and choose to go live with her father. And you will find me, five or six years from now, sitting in a hovel clutching a bottle of something alcoholic while humming vaguely malevolent songs to myself. The power will be off because I won't have been able to pay the electric bill.

See? Perfectly rational.

The leave request is in at work. The farewell lunch is, I believe, all planned out. I have signed up for classes, paid my deposit, and bought a parking pass. I have notebooks and pens. I have a backpack. After today I have fifteen working days left. Also, insomnia.

Posted by Andrea at August 7, 2008 9:13 AM under Change Addict , Single Momming

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