A Couple of Books about Kids and Divorce

So. I'd read one book about the effect of divorce on kids when I first separated, but recently decided that I need to know more, so I went out and read another three plus the first one again. On the one hand, I now have new lines in my forehead and a deep appreciation for lamaze breathing. On the other, I can at least compare and contrast them in the finest tradition of english undergrads everywhere. (Wait a minute. I am an english undergrad! Crap.)

Hopefully you don't need one of these. But if you do, now you can benefit from my obsessive researching, you lucky devils. At the bottom I'll summarize the main points that all the authors agreed on. If you feel like trusting me, you won't have to read the books at all.

The first: The Truth About Kids and Divorce

Robert Emery is a divorced dad (currently remarried) with one child from the first marriage and four (!) from the second. He is also a therapist and researcher in the area of the effects of divorce on kids.

Pros: Generally positive and upbeat. Lots of emphasis on the importance for separating parents to avoid conflict, especially in front of the kids, and some suggestions for how to coparent in a high-conflict situation. Speeches and scripts for what to tell the kids and suggestions for custody schedules depending on age, developmental stage, and level of parental conflict. I don't mind telling you that Frances's schedule with her Dad is lifted right out of this book. Also focuses on how important it is for parents to deal with their emotions on their own so they can continue to be available and stable when parenting, so that the children can focus on being kids and growing up.

Cons: Not a whole lot of statistical information or research on the actual effects of divorce on kids, so if you're looking for that kind of data you're best off looking elsewhere. Also, the number of times "punishment" was mentioned in the parenting section made me cringe. You may want to skip that part. Unless "punishment" gives you warm fuzzies. I don't know.

The Second: Child Friendly Divorce: A Divorce(d) Therapist's Guide

Diane Berry is another therapist who deals with kids and families undergoing divorce and who has been through a divorce herself with her own children. She also developed and administers a mandated post-divorce parenting programme in her state.

The Pros: The book is divided thematically into various issues and topics that divorced parents will have to deal with. Blessedly, she leaves out parenting advice. It's based on a mandatory parental education programme in Wisconsin for divorcing couples. The book is basically the course in written form. While sharing what is ideal in terms of children's adjustment to divorced families, she emphasizes how far her own situation was from it and how it was resolved positively for all concerned, including her child.

The Cons: From what I can tell the book is self-published and is fairly ridden with typos. It could have used a good editor.

The Third: We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About their Parents' Divorce

Constance Ahrons is a therapist and researcher possibly best known for her previous books, including The Good Divorce. One of those studies has followed a group of children whose parents divorced from the late-70s/early-80s onward.

The Pros: The book is based on a study of approximately 100 young people beginning when their parents separated in the 1980s and continuing up to 25 years post-divorce. She includes both statistics from this sample and from other studies and interviews with the Adult Children of Divorce (a term she's not fond of). The book is divided thematically, and each chapter deals with some particular issue that divorcing parents need to deal with: communication with the other parent, visitation schedules, new relationships, step families, and so on. She is also positive and upbeat and focuses on the resilience that children show in the situation and the strengths it develops in addition to the harm or damage that may be caused. I found it very useful to 'hear' the voices of the kids affected themselves, rather than filtered through an interpreter (much as I find it so helpful to hear from my bloggy friends whose parents are divorced).

The Cons: The sample size is small. Her conclusions are very and perhaps unwarrantedly positive; she tries hard to find positive messages within the data and unabashedly asks her interviewees for what good came out of their parents' divorces. On the whole, though, I don't have many criticisms.

The Last: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

Judith Wallerstein is another therapist and researcher and either helped found or is strongly affiliated with the Center for the Family in Transition.

The Pros: Wallerstein also based her book (and a whole previous series of books like it) on a study of approximately 100 young people beginning when their parents separated in the 1970s and continuing up to 25 years post-divorce. She includes statistics based on this sample as well as interviews with the ACOD. She also collected interviews from a "control sample" of children who grew up in families with similar issues in the same neighbourhoods at the same time to try to tease out the effects of the divorce itself. The book is divided by storyline: each section deals with a different 'kind' of family (unhappy, violent, etc.) and contrasts one family that ended in divorce with one that did not. The issues that the divorcing family in each section faced are then subsumed under the heading of that particular kind of family.

The Cons: I have serious doubts about her methodology, not least because her "best case" divorce scenario is of a family where the father left the mother for his mistress and then the mother lived the rest of her life unhappy, lonely and bitter. Then the adult daughter's discomfort with intimacy and difficulty with relationships is laid solely at the feet of the divorce without considering the circumstances under which it occured, the torn loyalties she must have felt, and the obvious role of caretaker she assumed towards her mother. Frankly it felt like manipulating the data to achieve a certain result, since even from my own acquaintance I know full well that this story is not the best possible outcome of a divorce. Becsuse of the book's division into kinds of stories rather than issues, it's not quite as user-friendly. And it is by far the most dire of all four of the books. Whether intentionally or not, she presents the message that no matter what parents do, their divorce will irrevocably damage their kids and all of their future relationships.

I don't doubt the veracity of this message (to a point), but the other three authors managed to portray it in far less discouraging terms, to wit: the divorce is undeniably traumatic for kids and they will not be the same people they would have been if you stayed together, but there are things you can do to mitigate the impact on your children, promote their resilience, and continue to be a good parent. Ms. Wallerstein prefers to focus on the many ways the people in her study sample are damaged by her parents' divorce. In her concluding section including advice for divorcing parents, the advice consists almost entirely of the many reasons not to get divorced in the first place and then follows up with an admonition to try as hard as you can to remain a stay-at-home mom if you have been one previously and to fund your child's college education if you are a father. Her advice for society is to fund various programs to strengthen the institution of marriage and contains not one suggestion for assisting families who do ultimately divorce. This advice may be entirely accurate and true but for a divorcing parent it is not helpful, and at many times I felt like thwacking her over the head with her own book.

~~~~~

What pleasantly surprised me about all of the books--even Wallerstein's--is how much the experts agree on what parents can and should do. If you've spent any time reading general parenting manuals, you'll know this isn't to be taken for granted. I find it reassuring.

1. Don't fight in front of the kids.

2. Don't put the kids in the middle. Don't ask them to choose sides, blackball the other parent, share inappropriate details with them, or force them to carry messages between you.

3. Similarly, allow and support your children in their relationship with the other parent (unless you have reason to believe it is dangerous or damaging).

4. Create the most stable environment possible as quickly as possible. Minimize the changes to your child's environment and routine and space out major changes so they don't hit all at once. (I wasn't able to do much of this w/ Frances b/c she started school at the same time and we could not afford our house after the divorce, and she adapted fairly well, but it is still good advice to follow if you can.)

5. Explain what is happening to your kids. Don't let them find out when Daddy packs his bags and goes to a motel. Say over and over again that it isn't their fault and that you and their other parent will always love them. Give them as much information as you have about how their lives will change after the separation or divorce--where they will live, when they will be with each parent, school and friends and activities, and all the rest.

6. Educate yourself about and be aware of the behavioural changes associated with separation and divorce for the age and developmental stage of your children. Get help when necessary.

7. Get help for yourself so that you are able to be present to your kids and continue to take care of their needs.

8. Understand that your children will have a very different view of the divorce than you do. That even in abusive situations, your children may not understand why you had to leave. That good news for you (new jobs, new friends, new relationships) is not necessarily going to be good news for them. That your happiness does not necessarily lead to their happiness.

9. Take new relationships slowly and give your kids time to adjust to them. Remember that children become attached to new people quickly, and if they continually lose new adults in their lives it will be like going through a series of mini-divorces. Also remember that a new partner (and their kids, if any) is another huge transition for your child and they may need space and time to adjust.

Divorce is hard on kids. Make no mistake. You can do everything perfectly and follow all nine rules to the letter and your kids will still be sad and cry and miss their parent/s and the way their family used to be. You can't make it so that your children aren't hurt or affected by the divorce; you can't make it so that they will still be the person they otherwise would have been (and maybe you wouldn't want to--maybe that's why you left in the first place). But you can do a lot to make it easier on them. As Emery put it, if you do your own part of the work and try your best, you can avoid making them grow up faster than they should have to, let your kids stay kids.

Posted by Andrea at September 8, 2008 7:05 PM under Books , Single Momming

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